Marriage is not just a “happily-ever-after”. It is a day-to-day challenge of choosing love over self. And though all married couples are different wrt the circumstances they face, the underlying principles are all the same- to survive and grow. Confused? Welcome to the 7 brutal truths about married life.
Divorce rates are increasing across the world. While the US records a whopping 46% of their marriages ending in divorce, the Indian community too had about 1.36 million people divorced and 3.2 million people separated, in 2011.
These numbers in India, are of-course very low as compared to the rest of the world. Yet you can easily make out that things are changing in our country too. And it won’t be surprising if this data trebles when the next census comes around.
As a result, you also find many young individuals now skeptical of the concept of marriage.
What is making us so wary within our marriages? Why are married couples across the world finding it hard to last together these days?
Because somewhere we still haven’t accepted the brutal truths about married life- this wonderful institution that was designed for us as a way to our salvation.
What are they?
- You never marry the right person
- Marriage is neither about self-fulfillment nor about self-sacrifice
- Your spouse alone cannot heal you from within
- Marital love is futuristic and not momentary
- Your spouse should always come first (after God ofcourse)
- Every marriage has its own love language
- Forgiveness is what binds a marriage
You never marry the right person
The media needs to be partially blamed for this part. You ask anyone what kind of a partner he or she wants, and they would say just like in the movies or like in the novels “someone who is right for me” or “someone who accepts me the way I am” or “someone who fulfills my emotional, physical and spiritual needs.”
Firstly, you can never know whom you marry. You can never guess if and how he will change in the future. Can you guess that for yourself? No
Secondly, by wanting someone of the above attributes, you’re basically asking for a partner who is constantly happy and content, with absolutely no needs of his own and flawless when it comes to character. The problem is- there is nobody that perfect out there!
Marriage is an institution that brings you in close proximity to your spouse’s true character. The more time passes, the more it is revealed.
Naturally, in many instances, you will be exposed to your partners flaws and be challenged to work upon yours as well. You will have to strive for self-improvement even if you don’t want to and so will your spouse.
Eventually, you may enter the realms of a strong and happy marriage but it is not because you married the “right person”. It is because you both made the effort to become right for each other.
Marriage is neither about self-fulfillment nor about self-sacrifice
“I thought she wanted what I wanted from life. We both dreamt of exploring the whole world. But now suddenly she doesn’t want that. And I still do! How can I just throw away my dreams like that” wrote a man in a Facebook group.
This is a tricky choice and it often comes in different ways to confront us and question our commitment in marriage. So what do you do? Which one do you choose? Self-fulfillment or self-sacrifice?
As Christians we are taught to look for mutual fulfillment through mutual sacrifice, in the Spirit. When we seek for only self-fulfillment, we are hardly fulfilled.
But when we put our partner’s fulfillment first, even if it means to suppress our desires for some time, we find even deeper joy and connection in the marriage.
One method that really helps in putting your partner first, is to stop thinking about what makes you unhappy. Stop dwelling in those thoughts and don’t speak about it. Wait to see how your little sacrifice can introduce a new dimension into your relationship. It will truly surprise you!
Your spouse alone cannot heal you from within
“He doesn’t understand how much he hurts me when he behaves this way. It completely ruins my self-confidence!” This is a dialogue from a popular English movie and gives a completely wrong picture of self-worth.
Your relationship with your spouse is not equal to your self-worth. Honestly, you should not be even looking for your worth in any person or thing for that matter- not from your parents, not from your friends, not from your partner!
As a Christian, your self-esteem should not be dependent on your success or interests too.
Yet we do look out for our spouse’s opinions. Because when they endorse us, it feels true. Why? because your spouse “knows” you in and out and so his opinion has more credibility than anyone else in the world.
In the earlier times, marriage was only about security, love and commitment. For our own self-worth, moral principles and purpose of life, we had religion. We used to look upto God to feel worthy and fulfilled.
As a Christian for example, I know I am worthy and loved because Jesus sacrificed Himself for me on the Cross. He chose to become my Saviour despite knowing that I am undeserving of this mercy and grace.
Today, however,the world teaches you to only believe in what you experience and to constantly seek for the meaning of your life.
But when trouble strikes, without anything or anyone to rely on, you start looking up to your closest person (in marriage-your partner) or interest to feel worthy or loved. And if that person or thing cannot constantly give you that peace? What happens?
Marital love is futuristic and not momentary
Feelings are momentary but marital love is meant to be futuristic because they are based on vows or as in the case of the Orthodox Church a sacrament . And vows give you a stable identity which is a requisite for stable relationships.
Vows also ensure that you and your spouse support each other through the thick and thin of married life, despite whatever circumstances you came from and in spite of the situations you will fall into, in the future.
Marriage being a Holy Sacrament in the Orthodox Church, also represents a couple’s commitment to God. As the two couples are crowned during the ceremony, we believe that Christ establishes them as King and Queen of their small world- a miniature church wherein both individuals are called to deny themselves to serve each other and rule with wisdom, justice and integrity.
There will be many instances in your married life, when you will be frightened of what you’ve gotten yourself into. You will doubt your future possibilities and your feelings will switch over to that of regret. So what will you do?
Well, keep your feelings aside and remind yourself of your marital vows. Continue to commit yourself to actions of love. The more you serve your spouse in love, the more your marital love will transform into something deeper and richer.
Your spouse should always come first (after God ofcourse)
As a mother, I know that when my son was born, I unknowingly neglected my husband in the first year. Not that he couldn’t take care of himself or he wasn’t helping in caring for the baby but I was never really present with him in my mind and heart those times.
I kept most of the mental load to myself assuming that he didn’t want a share of it! That caused resentment between us and it was difficult to get past that, till he openly demanded that attention.
Now I know that I must keep my spouse first. Children understand this really well. Just observe how excited they become when they see their parents sticking out for each other. It gives them security and more joy in seeing their parents together in spirit.
So prioritize your spouse- not your children, not your parents, not your work, not your passion. And when you give that priority you will find enough strength and resilience for even the toughest battles of life.
Every marriage has its own love language
What looks like love to you may not feel like love for your spouse. Different individuals express and comprehend love in different ways according to Dr Gary Chapman. And with a little insight into these differences, you can confidently communicate your feelings and thoughts to your spouse. They are:
- Words of affirmation- compliments, words of care, thoughtful words that cheer up your spouse
- Acts of service- helping your spouse with activities that they might need help in like cooking, helping with finances.
- Receiving gifts- giving your spouse a meaningful and thoughtful gift to make them feel loved.
- Quality time- spending undivided attention with your partner. No distractions at all!
- Physical touch- connecting with your spouse by holding hands, hugging, etc
Mind you, all of these languages are important in a marriage, yet there are one or two that we personally value more than the others. Find out which ones are and learn your spouse’s language too. It will help improve the quality of your communication with your spouse and make life so much easier!
Forgiveness is what binds a marriage
There will be many times within the marriage when you feel angry and resentful towards your spouse, for his behaviour towards you. In such times, it is wise to simply forgive.
By forgiving I don’t mean that you don’t talk about the problem at hand. You talk to him but with love, taking God’s help and the Holy Spirit’s grace.
How to forgive?
When there is a lot riding in your heart, take a moment, step out of the room, pray and then think of your spouse as someone who’s a work in progress. Someone who if given the chance will definitely turn into something precious- the kindest, the most loving person in your life.
Think of how wonderful it would be to travel that path to enlightenment with your spouse- to change with him, for good. This vision will empower you to forgive and apologize too (for the part where you were wrong).
It is not easy and you will fail at practicing it many times. But once you do, you and your spouse will be heading towards something more meaningful and fulfilling in your life together.
Disclaimer
The above views are solely on the assumption that no serious offences have been committed in the marital relationship.
Found this post useful? You might like reading these as well
How to live a fulfilling life on a day to day basis
8 incredible ways of finding the right partner
How to stay committed in any relationship
Marrying the arranged way- three bride stories
How is Christian love different
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Hi! My name is Rubitah. I’m a Content Writer certified Life Coach, Counselor, Social Work professional and the Founder of Being Rubitah. Over the years through my professional and personal life, I have realized that prayers and love can do wonders to family life once you come to terms with yourself and surrender to God. Do you relate to me? Then you may like what I post here! Read more about me
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