Fatherhood may seem like it’s restricted to only being about managing expenses, providing necessities and protecting your family. But how does it fundamentally change a man and his lifestyle? Read on to know what 6 daddy influencers have to say about becoming a father and serving like one too.
We are all aware of how a woman transforms into a mother.
It starts from the pregnancy phase when a woman’s body slowly and steadily adapts to the new requirements and continues post delivery, when she understands her newborn’s needs on a daily basis.
A woman then goes on to take up several roles in her child’s life- being a provider, protector, nurturer, teacher, guide, chef, planner etc The more she is involved in her child’s life, the more she builds her motherly instincts and finds the answers to keep her child secure.
There is however, very less written on how men turn into fathers. In fact, until recently, the only roles a father was expected to take up in his child’s development was that of a provider or protector or a moral guardian.
But it is 2020 now. With more women entering the workforce, and world-wide media promoting the idea of equal-parenting, fathers have taken the big step of extending their involvement in their child’s day-to-day. Most fathers today want to be well- aware of their child’s needs and wish to maintain a healthy, open and loving relationship with them.
I had the pleasure of interacting with 6 such young fathers who are not only proud of building a strong connection with their children but also openly promote the benefits of fatherhood.
I was intrigued on how they approach parenting and their answers I hope will be helpful and inspiring to all men who want to become involved fathers. I hope this raises some standards and gives fathers the freedom to adopt something that is already within them- the power to love.
Who are they?
A Brand Marketing Manager by profession, Tejas is a hands-on dad to his 4 year old and an Instagram influencer. He stepped into an active-dad role after he realized how much he enjoyed it, when he was once left alone to take care of his 1.5 year old.
Hoshang is an event planner, web-designer, entrepreneur and father to two wonderful kids (in the order of proficiency). He moonlights as @thedaddycode on Instagram, sharing his experiences and advice, which he truly believes you don’t need- because he doesn’t really know what he’s doing. Don’t worry. No father does.
A Business Development professional, Hemanshu is also inspiring the fathers of this generation by sharing his everyday experiences with his almost 2 year old, to the Instagram world.
Namit is the father of 3 year old Kabeer and lives in New Delhi. He is a public policy professional and works as Asia Policy Lead at World Benchmarking Alliance.
NAMIT AGARWAL
A Marketing Business professional, based in Sharjah, UAE, Arjun enjoys being a father to his 2 beautiful daughters Sarah and Maria. His wife is a home-maker and together they make funny family videos for Instagram and YouTube.
A Supply Chain professional in the Pharma industry, Dipak is an involved daddy of a 3 year old boy Rishaan, who enjoys fatherhood and loves to share his perspectives on what he learns and experiences along the journey.
What according to you should men expect when they’re going to become fathers?
“Becoming a father is game changing and life changing; a bigger change and compromise than marriage. Priorities change and family comes above everything else.
There’s no limit to what you can expect hence, it is best to have loads of patience and determination to face, accept and be mentally prepared for any kind of situation to arise with the baby and possibly even the mommy. For first time parents, it is an even more overwhelming experience because everyone is equally clueless.”
– Tejas
“Don’t expect anything- that’s my advice. Parenting is not something you can study or prepare for and you don’t need to. It’s the most natural thing and no matter how much you doubt yourself, you will find a way to rise to the occasion once your baby is born.
The complete experience is extraordinary. You learn along the way and apart from the few times that you feel like pulling your hair out, it’s an overall amazing new chapter of your life.
I’d rather tell you what not to expect. Don’t expect the cliché moment of holding your child for the first time and falling in love with him/her. Children grow on you, slowly but surely, there will come a time when you will be willing to give your life for them.
Two. Don’t expect them to understand you too soon. They are kids and they only know 3 things, when they are hungry, when they are dirty and when they need your attention. If you’re getting frustrated, it’s because you don’t understand them- not the other way around.”
– Hoshang
“Men should expect no less than women as equal parenting is the need these days. When both are working and the baby calls for attention all the time, fathers should play an equal role. It is like team work and will always be. So yes, men who are going to be fathers, should gear up. as their lives are going to be changed completely.”
– Hemanshu
“I think a man’s life changes when he becomes a father,as much as it does when a woman becomes a mother. It makes them more responsible and patient. Parenting is a 24×7 job and demands full attention. During and after pregnancy a mother goes through a lot of changes and so it is important for men to take parenting classes to prepare for these changes and be ready to help.”
– Namit
“There is no need to panic. Although there are going to be sleepless nights, extra work, etc. it will just come along naturally and you will get the energy to learn and deal with it somehow. It may look hectic and hard when you watch a father do his stuff, but when you become one, you will quickly adapt and soon it will be as though you were an experienced dad all your life! It’s not going to be difficult.
There may be certain limitations you may face as a father, like reduced social gatherings or party life, care-free travel, etc. but you can always work your ways around it.
For example, if you always loved to travel – you can still travel! Just choose baby-friendly places, and as the kid grows, you can go to places which suit the kids’ age, as they grow.
Your kid(s) will be your best friends for life!
Be responsible. If you drink, or smoke, or use bad words, etc. refrain from doing so in front of your kids (Better yet to refrain from it altogether!!)”
– Arjun
- “A daddy-to-be should expect his time and attention to be given equally to his partner and his child.
- He should expect to work more hard for having better financial stability to survive from the unexpected expenses of a newborn.
- He should expect changes, physically, mentally, emotionally.
- He should expect to be sleep deprived if he is going to be an involved father so as to support his partner.
- He should expect to put aside his “Me Time”. (Dads too have me time and an involved father always tries to choose his child instead of choosing his “Me Time.”)
- He should expect to be more patient while dealing with his kid as well as his wife when she is going through PPD (postpartum depression).
- He should expect to be available at any time for his family.
- He should expect to go through separation anxiety when he goes to office while leaving his child at home.“
– Dipak
How can the new age fathers get involved in the family routine?
There is one and only one way of learning and becoming a better parent. That is by being HANDS ON. All families function differently and all individuals function differently. Every person has their own individual parenting style and the same is customized to their preference/ choice/ cultures/ values etc. So there is no right or wrong. The learning process is continuous throughout life.
Since it is a new situation to everyone, being patient, attentive and predicting what could be required of a situation two steps ahead, using multiple scenario options would be a good idea. So for example, situation A gets solution A and situation B gets solution B.
Supporting your better half, helping out in household chores, and probably doing things which you may not have done before or are out of your comfort zone would be required. Do it willingly and not half heartedly because otherwise it won’t help. Keep calm and don’t become an additional burden or creator of problems for your family. That’s the last thing your family needs!
– Tejas
Oh there are so many things. Men can feed, burp, clean, entertain and teach their kids. There’s nothing we can’t do – and we should do everything. It gives us a chance to bond with the baby through different stages and moods – we get to experience them, their innocence and their feelings throughout.
For new fathers, help with EVERYTHING. Your wife has been through a lot and breastfeeding 8 times a day is exhausting. Do whatever you can, whenever you can to give her a break. Keep calm and keep her comfortable, it makes taking care of the baby way easier.
– Hoshang
They can help in many ways. As I mentioned earlier it is team-work. So they can do things that they really enjoy, like playing with the kid or feeding him/her. Or if the baby needs his mother most of the time, then they can support mentally which is always a huge help. – Hemanshu
Men should be sharing an equal load of household chores and care work as women do. Helping with care work should not be dependent on fatherhood.
During pregnancy and immediately after childbirth, a father must take CHARGE of the care work instead of just helping. It is important to acknowledge the work of taking care of elders, children or family members as care work. There is a general misconception that taking care of others at home is not “work”.
It is best to share childcare responsibilities between both parents preferably time-wise instead of task-wise. For example, if the father is taking care of the child between 6 AM to 9 AM then the mother can focus on something else at that time. This helps to make sure that both parents are not always “busy” taking care of the child and are exhausted together.
– Namit
If you are a busy working man, respect their mother’s decision on doing stuff. In a house with kids, moms are the boss. Keep it that way and you make lives easier for everyone!
Help her with baby care whatever way you can, either directly or indirectly! Directly meaning – for example – put your baby to sleep! Now if you are not able to do that, indirectly helping with putting baby to sleep would be by being quiet, or by keeping a lullaby on tv or whatever your wife suggests so that she can put the baby to sleep!
And in the meantime go get your own dinner! Helping with baby stuff doesn’t always have to be directly aligned with babies itself! Putting baby to sleep is just an example, so in all such aspects you can try to help directly or indirectly.
– Arjun
I try to help my partner in whatever way possible. First of all I ensure I am healthy be it mentally or physically. During pregnancy, I used to take her to the doctor for routine check ups, for ultra sounds or as and when needed. I used to ask the doctor about the pregnancy process for my wife and gather all information to know what I should look forward to.
We had a proper financial plan before we planned a child. We knew that feeding, clothing and educating a new human being would cost more. So I overcame my fear of incapability with respect to taking care of my baby, by getting myself involved in the daily chores i.e. how to hold the baby, how to feed, how to change diapers, how to burp, how to get the baby to sleep. I was happily surprised that I was successful on smoothly completing these chores.
For example- Although I am overly aware of my role as a provider, I become intimidated and frustrated by what my gender’s limitations are. I can’t breastfeed, but yes I can help my wife get comfortable while she nurses. I do not have the instincts to wake up as easily when the baby cries in the middle of the night, but if my boy sleeps closer to me, I can sleep on the side of the bed closer to my baby. That way, I become more likely to wake up and better able to help out with those 2AM feedings.
– Dipak
How did fatherhood change you as a person
Fatherhood brought about a change in my life again after what came after marriage. But this was different. We created a new life and we’re responsible for its everything. Baby is top priority now in allocating spends, time, energy, efforts. We as parents also learn to focus on our health and well being so that we’re able to provide the best.– Tejas
Honestly, it didn’t. It’s just more people to love & care for. I’d like to believe I’ve become more responsible, but I’m sure my wife will disagree! 😉 I haven’t changed, but I’ve discovered some capabilities that I wasn’t aware I had. I never thought I could love someone so much. I didn’t think I could do the things I do and be happy. I never thought taking care of someone and nurturing a child could and would be so fulfilling. – Hoshang
Fatherhood is a very important stage in any man’s life. For me, it came so as to make me more responsible. I was a very carefree person and used to avoid responsibilities. So fatherhood has definitely embedded me within the quality of being responsible and look out for someone else all the time.- Hemanshu
Fatherhood has given me much more depth and calm. My perspective towards life has changed a lot and now Kabeer is the pivot of our lives. My own health and stability has become a bigger priority now than earlier. Nothing makes me happier than spending time with Kabeer-playing, reading, talking etc – Namit
I actually became a lot more systematic after becoming a father. We have set certain soft rules that apply to our family and house, which makes everything easy for us to deal with. Having a routine and time-table actually gives you so much time! 24 hours a day is so much, but it would be less if you waste your time out on social media, lazing around, etc.
So MULTI-TASKING IS KEY! I handle 4 things, especially since lockdown -my marketing business, my personal training and online fitness classes (I am a certified PT), making comedy videos with family for Instagram and YouTube and being a father and husband at home / home-maker partner to Wife. My children and my wife are my best friends. Life revolves around them now and I learnt to multi-task!
For example, a lot of people ask me, how do i get time to reply to all comments and messages on Instagram? Don’t you waste a lot of time like that?
Well, everyday i spend about 30 to 45 minutes on stationary-bike for my steady-state cardio exercise – so that is when i reply to most messages and comments, because my hands are free at the time! Or I reply soon after i put my kid to sleep or even while keeping the baby on my lap for about 10-15 mins.
So its not exactly time wasted. I read news and get myself updated when I have my day-time meals (breakfast and lunch). So I always multitask like that!! And yes a routine, time-table really, really helps.
I love watching my kids grow. I am no expert, I am learning everyday on how to be a better father, correcting my own mistakes, adapting, being there for them. I have become more mature as a person I feel. And more responsible than I ever was.
–Arjun
No one has to tell you that when you become a dad, your life changes forever. In the months leading up to my son’s birth, I politely smiled and nodded as well-meaning people kept trying to prepare me for fatherhood by telling me the tired clichés : SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR SOCIAL LIFE! OR GET PLENTY OF SLEEP NOW, BECAUSE SOON YOU WILL BE WISHING YOU COULD. Sure, there is some truth in their advice, but there’s also a bright side to the social psychological changes I have gone through after becoming a dad.
- I am now responsible in a way that I have never been before. I constantly realize just how unqualified I feel for the job of Fatherhood. I question my ability to care for a child and my worthiness. But rest assured – I am not the first dad to feel this way. We didn’t come programmed on this whole parenting thing. So now I only remind myself that billions of guys before me have experienced and survived fatherhood. Hence I try to take on fatherhood as being an “involved dad” rather than thinking on being a “good dad”.
- Naturally, my new circle of friends consists of other parents. The good news is, these sometimes seemingly forced friendships end up becoming great support groups. I have new friends who relate to me and they have good and relevant advice for me.
- I have adopted a new version of being cool. Gone are the days of being called “just a guy” I will now be forever seen by all as a dad. And honestly, I don’t even mind the changes because the biggest change is my biggest reward…..MY KID.
–Dipak
When you love something, when it is of value to you- you wholeheartedly spend time with it. You learn everything about it. You enjoy it and you take care of it. So it is with children. When you love your child, you take the time to understand him. You cherish him, you provide for him and you build the discipline to care for him.
It is a natural process and therefore dear fathers, do what naturally comes to you. Be open to receive the free but fulfilling gifts of parenting. Don’t be bothered by what others expect from you. Just ask yourself these questions-
- Do you enjoy being with your child?
- Do you want to be someone he can count on as he grows up?
- How do you want your child to always remember you?
And you will know what to do. 🙂
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Hi! My name is Rubitah. I’m a Content Writer certified Life Coach, Counselor, Social Work professional and the Founder of Being Rubitah. Over the years through my professional and personal life, I have realized that prayers and love can do wonders to family life once you come to terms with yourself and surrender to God. Do you relate to me? Then you may like what I post here! Read more about me
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