We all know what anger is. We have all experienced it and are well aware of its destructive nature leading to an undesirable quality of life. The first part of this series looked at how to identify unhealthy anger, the second part dealt with why we get angry in the first place and now this post talks about dealing with anger in effective and proven ways.
The issue with most of us is that we get angered too quickly and once our rage sets in, it becomes like the wildfire that occurs in the Amazon rainforests every year- uncontrolled and destructive.
Anger if managed poorly leads to a variety of problems: we end up saying things we would regret, argue senselessly, yell at our dear ones, physically harm others or trouble our own selves, and create health issues.
Dealing with anger is truly not easy especially in the heat of the moment. Yet we can help ourselves in many ways.
Let’s look at the don’ts first. Certain methods should be avoid while dealing with anger
Don’t avoid it
Anger can be frightening and cruel when expressed, so when we feel angry, we try to suppress it. We believe that by not reacting, the situation will go away and no one will get hurt because “its not a big deal”.
Stuffing our feelings inside, however, only devoids us from the joy and happiness we are seeking for, in our relationships.
Don’t deal with it casually
When dealing with anger many of us quickly and easily say “sorry”. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that to you.” or “I’m sorry I hurt you”
This happens when we don’t want to take the time to understand why we got angry or when we don’t want to address the actual problem that is making us angry.
Don’t dump it over, irresponsibly
Very often people tell us not to hold back our feelings and to just “get it out” of our system. While it is good to be honest about our anger, we must refrain from expressing it in a way that it disregards our relationships.
Don’t dwell in it
Sometimes we continue to remember an upsetting incident, even after it gets resolved. We overthink on the possibilities and at times even talk to our friends about it.
Here the problem is, that despite having solved the issue, we continue to hold resentment for the person in question.
That isn’t helpful at all and in fact creates a negative impact on our relationships. Don’t do it.
So what are the effective methods of dealing with anger?
Practice meditation
Studies suggest that meditation helps in protecting our body and mind from the harmful effects of anger. In fact a consistent practice of prayer and meditation enhances our ability to cope with negative emotions and reduces the chance of an exaggerated reaction.
Recognize the triggers
It is important that we identify the thoughts and feelings that triggers anger.
One way to do this is by reflecting on a recent incident and asking ourselves these questions, if possible with the help of a journal
- What was the situation before I expressed my anger?
- What emotions were involved?
- What were my thoughts during the event?
- What sensations were present when I was angry?
- How did I react in the situation?
We all have our own ways of perceiving, feeling and responding to anger and so recognizing and understanding it helps us to move to more constructive ways of handling it.
Acknowledge it
It is human to get angry so we must accept our anger without judging ourselves. Don’t label it as “frustration” or “irritation”. Call it what it is.
Address the triggers to calm down
Till we’re ready to actually work on the problem behind our anger, we must try and work on our triggers.
So once we identify the trigger taking our two examples from part one of this series, we must try taking a step back from our thoughts and observe.
Then relate the incident as it is happening in front of us and label the feeling. In the examples from part one of this series:
Sapna could think “My baby is not sleeping, he is constantly crying. I’m feeling tired.”
Amit could think “My boss is on my head, shouting in front of everyone in the office. I’m feeling insulted.”
When we label our emotions we are more likely to feel in control and that helps.
Delay the impulse to act
As much as we are provoked in the moment, we must use our energy to try and delay our response to it.
This can be done in many ways:
Eliminate the trigger (before the moment)
Some triggers can easily be addressed if they are not damaging to us and our relationships.
Like keeping some snacks with you because hunger makes you angry or sleeping earlier at nights because exhaustion irritates you.
Getting to work early because traffic makes you angry or avoiding a certain person who always seems to provoke you for no reason.
Breathing technique (when in the moment)
If you’re breathing too fast, try to control your breaths to 10 per minute.
Pause (when in the moment)
When you see somebody picking on you for no reason, give it a pause. Don’t react in any way. Sometimes they themselves realize that they have gone a little overboard.
Choose a code word or phrase (when in the moment)
Slowly repeat that word or phrase to yourself, while breathing deeply, in the heat of the moment to calm down and arrest your thoughts. For eg: Relax! All is well! It is okay!
Self-talk (when in the moment)
“No point in getting mad. Breathe in and breathe out.”
“Calm down. You can handle this.”
“Its just a few minutes. I’m not going to let this get to me.”
Prayer (when in the moment)
Consider the Jesus prayer “Jesus, Son of God, have mercy upon me a sinner.” whenever you feel the urge to explode in anger.
Walk away (when in the moment)
Use this as the last resort to control your anger because avoiding any situation, usually calls for new situations with more aggression.
Use logic (when in or after the moment)
Logic defeats anger because anger even when right, can quickly become irrational. Remind yourself that everybody is not out there with the sole purpose of annoying you.
Focus on how you can manage the problem (when in or after the moment)
We tend to believe that every problem has a solution, yet many of us know that some issues are caused by certain realities in life, that cannot be escaped from.
The best way to deal with anger in such cases then, is to try focusing on how we can face the problem, rather than looking for a solution.
For example in Sapna’s case- assuming that they have no support in the house, she has to face the problem of her tiring routine with no real solutions whatsoever. What she can do here then is, to prepare herself for these frustrating instances.
Mental grounding (after the moment)
Describe all the objects around you with details or slowly recite the alphabets or count backwards from 20. Think of a place you had been to, which was very peaceful and describe it in detail in your mind or think of the things you’re looking forward to in the next week.
Physical grounding (after the moment)
Take a bath or touch something that calms you down (like your baby or dog). Go for a walk or exercise. Rub a nice smelling moisturizer or cream, onto your hands and mindfully smell.
Evaluate your beliefs
Whether we realize it or not, most of our feelings are based on our deeply held beliefs. These beliefs cause us to interpret situations in a certain way which influence our actions further.
So when you’re truly ready, try to trace the thoughts you had during your last anger situation, vis-a-vis the beliefs you hold. If possible write them down.
For example in Sapna’s case any of the following could be the beliefs on the basis of which she felt anger:
- Only a good night’s sleep can help me work productively tomorrow
- All the men in my family help their wives during the nights
- I’m following a good routine with my baby so he should be sleeping
In Amit’s case the beliefs could vary too:
- Hard working people are always less appreciated
- All superiors have the right to shout
- It is wrong to question authority
- Losing a job during a financial crisis is foolishness
Once you’re clear of what beliefs are driving your emotions, question every single one of them:
- Why do I believe so? Think back to the time you first held that belief
- If somebody had shared this with you, try to remember the context in which he had shared this.
- Is this always true?
- State examples from your own life if true or false
Let go of your false beliefs
When you realize that many of the beliefs that you held were absolutely not true you will want to let them go. So put down a new and a positive belief next to your old one and support it with true examples. This will help you feel convinced about these beliefs.
Practice on communicating better
Angry people usually jump in on being threatened and act on conclusions that are usually not true. So when in a heated moment, try communicating through the following stages.
Slow down
Don’t blurt out the first word that comes to your mind. In fact hold your tongue and think carefully on what you want to say.
Understand or listen to the situation
Try to listen to what is happening in front of you and the underlying message. Empathize the feeling that this person may have.
In Sapna’s case- she could think that the baby can express his discomfort by only crying and he trusts his mother to solve it.
In Amit’s case- he could think that his boss may be under a lot of pressure to make this event a success
Think on how you may have added to the problem in hand
Sometimes unknowingly you may have done (or skipped doing) something that would have created the problem, so try to focus on that.
In Sapna’s case- her constant frustration may have contributed to her baby’s uneasiness.
In Amit’s case- he probably could have reminded his boss to arrange somebody to receive the guests at the airport.
Validate the need
When you understand the ulterior need that’s causing the situation, demonstrate or express that you’re considering it. Ask them questions, agree with them wherever necessary.
Act with a solution
Think on how you can manage the problem in this situation and act on it whether it is by thinking on solutions and/ or by asserting yourself clearly or by requesting more time.
The idea is to put your needs into words and work towards creating a solution, without causing any more stress.
“Anyone can become angry- that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose and in the right way- this is not easy.” -Aristotle
Some useful references:
Why it’s hard to let go of your self-limiting beliefs?
Anger management for the youth
Dos and donts of being assertive
Disclaimer
This article is based on multiple references and is only written to assist the reader. It is not intended to nor should it be construed as professional counseling
Found this post helpful? You might like reading these as well:
How to identify unhealthy anger
Why knowing your true self today will save your marriage tomorrow
How does marriage change a man’s life
Is it possible to avoid toddler tantrums
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Hi! My name is Rubitah. I’m a Content Writer certified Life Coach, Counselor, Social Work professional and the Founder of Being Rubitah. Over the years through my professional and personal life, I have realized that prayers and love can do wonders to family life once you come to terms with yourself and surrender to God. Do you relate to me? Then you may like what I post here! Read more about me
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