Are you worried about your toddler’s unpredictable behaviour? Have you been feeling stressed, on having to confront toddler tantrums, every other day? Are you finding it difficult to calm down when your toddler goes out of control? Here is some help for you!
You are at the mall with your list of groceries. Your 18 month toddler refuses to sit in the cart and insists on pushing it. Trying not to create a fuss, you give in, promising yourself that you will finish the purchase as quickly as possible.
At that very instant, your boy breaks free. You leave the cart with all the items, and rush to catch him. He laughs out, as he runs and waves at all the amused shoppers. Suddenly he stops and decides to play hide and seek. Poof! You lose him for a second and then your heart sinks.
He’s gleaming at you from across the hall, but he’s also headed towards the stack of cream cheese jars lying in the aisle. You call out but it’s too late.The jars crash on the floor.
Thankfully, no one is hurt. The 5 broken jars are lying on the ground, waiting to be picked up by the staff. Without wasting a minute you grab your son, while your husband apologizes to the frowning manager.
But it’s not over yet. Your son forces himself to the ground, gives out a big scream and starts crying (read wailing), kicking, hitting, simply refusing to be held. You’re desperately trying to get a grasp on some element of his clothes, but all in vain. The sound of the glass breaking and the screaming has caught everybody’s attention.
You are officially in the limelight and what you dreaded this whole time, has just begun. This is the big toddler tantrum and yes this happened to us. 🙂
What is a toddler tantrum and why does it happen
A toddler tantrum is a bundle of emotions consisting of anger, fear, disappointment, and stress, released at one go, in the form of crying, screaming, hitting, kicking, biting, stomping, throwing things, holding the breath, by a child between the years of 1-4. Sometimes they are mild but other times they seem more like a volcanic eruption- absolutely out of control!
You see, everyone is born with brain cells (neurons). It is the connection between these brain cells(called synapses) that enable us to think, plan, act, emote,communicate and just about do anything.
A newborn has zero connections, but as he grows, his brain starts connecting different neurons together, with the daily experiences he has with his environment.
Studies report that by age three, he is making one million neural connections every second!! No wonder they go all bonkers in stress, at that age!
As a baby your child communicated his needs by smiling, cooing and crying. As a toddler, it becomes a little complicated. Sometimes he will communicate what he wants, sometimes he will not.
But at all times, he does expect his parents to know and understand his needs for safety, love and support.
This is where the immediate family (parents, grandparents, siblings, relatives) comes in the process of their brain development.
The quality of experiences you give to your child, in the early years and especially during difficult times(aka tantrums), determines his or her ability to regulate emotions in adult life.
Positive interactions and stimulation in the form of loving responses, care, patience, stability, consistency, bring about healthy brain connections, that help your child in managing stress.
A negative environment with constant discouragement and punishment, however, can make it harder for your child to cope with emotions.
Coping with toddler tantrums, as a parent
It is easy to say that your response to tantrums, defines a child’s coping skills, but as a parent, I know how difficult it is, to put it into practice.
Just while writing this blog post, my son who was busy with his blocks suddenly decided to knock off a bottle of water from the table, causing it to fall all over a just mopped floor.
My response? A reflexive high pitched shout – “Steve I’ve told you not to touch that bottle.” My husband who knew I was writing on this topic, laughed out in mockery.
So yes, I know how hard it is to be patient with your child, when you’re busy with something, or when his requests seem absolutely illogical (like the other day when my toddler demanded I should give him dinosaur juice instead of milk) or when you’re too tired to even respond. 🙁
Don’t worry, it doesn’t make you a bad person.
It is perfectly fine to have a few weak moments, too. That’s what makes us human, isn’t it?
So here are some tips to help you feel better and be better.
Be realistic
Toddlers are unpredictable. You cannot expect your child to behave well in busy places or for long hours or with strange people around or when there are lots of exciting objects in the vicinity.
Due to their inability to regulate emotions, they will immediately react. So take a breath and try to be real with your situation. Factors that you can avoid you should. At other times, you have to prepare your mind to face the battle ahead.
Don’t make it personal
I know how difficult it is to not be upset on getting kicked or shouted at, specially when it comes from your child. But it’s best to not get personal.
Try reminding yourself that this behaviour is not intentional. Your child is not a bad person. It is just a bad moment, that your toddler has no control of.
Discipline your self
Self-discipline actually helps you deal with your toddler’s tantrums most effectively, according to Rebecca Eanes.
How to create self discipline? In her post, Rebecca suggests parents to
- Reflect on childhood experiences, recalling instances (emotional triggers) that influence your current reactions to toddler tantrums or difficult situations.This helps in uncovering the negative thought patterns, you’ve had all through life.
- Replace the negative thought patterns with positive ones. This helps in bringing about self-empathy that helps you reach a calmer and positive state. (Seems impossible but worth trying, I felt)
- Retrospect on the kind of parent you really want to be. What kind of family environment do you want to create? What is the legacy you are building? This helps you to stay focused. You will also be more patient with your child’s tantrums because you now have a vision in front of you.
When you discipline yourself, you are also teaching your child to self-discipline. I’m sure you would have understood by now, how easily they adopt your reactions (positive and negative), despite whatever you tell them!
Accept your limitations
I really dread going to high dining restaurants with my son. I can never predict if he would behave well and keep still. So I avoid such places because they completely stress me out.
I also try not to engage in any tantrum if I feel I am already stressed. In such cases, my husband steps in. So choose your battles, based on how much you can endure!
Take it as a challenge
Yes, it is very frustrating to have to confront a toddler tantrum after a long day at work or after a series of upsetting incidents, through the day or week.
But maybe this can serve as a test of your character. It always takes someone special to bring out the best (or worst ) in us, isn’t it? Your toddler could of course quite easily get the latter out.
So how can you reverse this?
Try to consider these challenging instances as opportunities for you, to work on yourself.
Do you consider yourself a kind person? Well, this is the time to prove it!
Did you want to learn patience? Embrace your toddler’s slow paced life.
You always felt you were not disciplined enough, didn’t you? Here’s your chance to get organized!
Did you call your self creative? This is the time to use those skills!
When you start taking these challenges head on, your attitude towards your toddler’s tantrums will completely change. You will turn your attention from feeling insulted or hurt to working on ways to achieve the virtue you are aiming for.
Take some time out for your self
Whether it’s early morning or late at night after your child is in bed, take some time out for yourself, every day. You can use this time to pray and meditate, exercise, enjoy a drink, read a book, listen to music, talk to a family member or friend, write something- basically anything that calms you and gives you personal satisfaction.
Vent it out
As a parent, it is important to put away all the negative feelings that come with toddler tantrums. So talk to your partner, or a friend and share your worries and thoughts. Trust me, you will instantly feel better. If this is something that you’re not so comfortable doing, try writing it down in a diary.
Conclusion
Therefore, what you must know and keep in mind is that toddler tantrums are not just normal, but they are little opportunities for you and your child, to strive for a healthy and successful future!
Hang in there dearest parents and loving caregivers. You are doing a wonderful job! 🙂
Click here to read the second part of this series- Is it possible to avoid toddler tantrums?
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Is it possible to avoid toddler tantrums
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Hi! My name is Rubitah. I’m a Content Writer certified Life Coach, Counselor, Social Work professional and the Founder of Being Rubitah. Over the years through my professional and personal life, I have realized that prayers and love can do wonders to family life once you come to terms with yourself and surrender to God. Do you relate to me? Then you may like what I post here! Read more about me
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Good points on dealing with those tantrums, Rubitah! We know we can’t avoid them and it is really hard to stay calm sometimes while face to face with a toddler with boundless energy. I’ve found that meditation works for kids as well as parents–it helps calm kids and there are fewer tantrums. I used to make my son sit with me and close his eyes just so I could have some quiet and he could recoup his energy before going at it again.
That’s a great point Vidya! I don’t know about meditation at the toddler age, but yes I believe some exclusive calm period, everyday, will be helpful for both the parent and the child. Thanks for suggesting that. I shall add it to my upcoming post. 🙂
Man, you really spoke to me today! My toddler throws tantrums every day it seems like here lately. A lot of the times I just walk away LOL cause anything I do doesn’t help. She just has to have her tantrum then usually after a few minutes shes ok. Sometimes, like tonight I had to get my oldest to bring her to the car when we were sitting in a restaurant, thankfully we were almost done with dinner anyways. But, she just couldn’t handle it anymore I’m guessing. Anyways thank you for this post, and thank you for letting me know we are not alone even though we feel like it a lot of the times.
I can absolutely relate to that Felicia! Dinner outings have always been difficult with my toddler too. So good of your oldest to take care of the situation though! I guess that’s why these situations turn out to be bittersweet for us.:)
This is so fascinating! I think toddlers are so misunderstood a lot of the time. I mean, can you imagine all these emotions that you don’t know how to deal with in a tiny little body? It’s gotta be tough!
Absolutely! It is a recent realization for me as well and it has helped me to be more patient towards my son and his tantrums.
I laughed out loud reading this, especially since I was being an incredibly unpatient mother while writing a post sharing tips on how to be a more patient mother. The irony was not lost on me.
I am so grateful that the temper tantrum stages are (mostly) over for us. My older child is now 7 and it is so amazing to be able to take to her and reason with her… and have her talk calmly back to me. My son is 5 and sometimes still has some difficulty with expressing his frustrations but it is much better than it was a year ago.
I do understand that young kids struggle with expressing themselves and I get that they are frustrated.. and I know the best way to handle it is calmly with love and patience… and well then there is reality.
Isn’t it amazing how it is those moments when you have nothing left to give, you are at the end of your patience, energy… everything… you literally have NOTHING left.. and that is the moment that they choose to give their worst? LOL typical right.
But the good news is that it does in fact get easier.
Hehehe hi5 on that sentiment! To be honest, I am keenly looking forward to the stage where my son can atleast understand all that I tell him. I’m sure it will become less frustrating for the both of us!
It sometimes hard to stay calm when my daughter has one of her tantrums. Thanfully, that doesn’t happen a lot. I try to talk to her as much as I can letting her know what I expect of her but like you said, children are children and sometimes they just don’t want to hear what you have to say. Thank you for these great tips.
That’s right Karmen! I’m sure your daughter appreciates you talking out things for her! 🙂
Hi Rubitah! I really like this article. Children are just like adults and they need to be able to express their emotions. Thanx for sharing!
Exactly Leana! We often ignore the fact that children are a very tiny unfinished humans too! 🙂