Forget the spark- here’s how to build a strong lasting relationship

Many people look for the instant “spark” in a relationship, but what if building a lasting relationship is about something deeper? Could the secret to lasting love lie not in chasing perfection, but in embracing growth, even when it’s challenging?

We’re often told that the person we marry should be the one who gives us that instant, exciting connection, the moment we meet them. The kind of connection that makes everything feel magical and lights up our day.

It’s the idea of meeting someone and instantly knowing they’re “the one.”

It sounds amazing, right? But here’s the thing- this idea is pretty misleading.

Here’s why-

A few years ago, a friend of mine was dating a guy who, in her eyes, had all the sparks. She would tell me how time just flew by when they were together. She’d talk endlessly about how handsome he was, how special he made her feel and how much they were in love.

When I asked her what they talked about, she said, “Oh, we just talk about our future- how amazing a husband he’ll be, how much we love each other and how compatible we are! He’s dying to marry me Rubitah.”

But when the time came to actually make a commitment, he walked away. My friend was heartbroken, but she learned an important lesson: sparks are fleeting and they can be deceiving.

Building a lasting relationship

Instant sparks may feel thrilling, but they aren’t always a sign of something long-term. Lasting relationships are built on more than just that quick rush.

So instead of chasing the spark, why not focus on creating a steady flame?

A flame doesn’t burn out quickly- it grows, deepens, and strengthens over time- exactly what you want in a relationship.

Three key Ingredients for building a lasting relationship

Have you ever wondered how a flame starts?

Just like a flame needs certain elements to burn, there are three key factors that help a relationship grow and last over time.

Oxygen

You know the principle. No oxygen no flame.

We have oxygen all around us. Its existence helps us go about being humans- breathing and working, breathing and loving, breathing and enjoying life.

And thanks to COVID, we’ve come to understand just how serious it is to be without oxygen. It’s scary and life-threatening, right?

So what is your oxygen when it comes to your relationship?

What is the constant that keeps you both steady, no matter what? What is the one thing that you can automate for your relationship, when things get tough?

For some couples, it’s shared values or beliefs. For others, it could be faith, community, or something else that gives you peace and strength.

For my husband and me, it’s God. Over time, we’ve realized that nothing else can give our hearts the peace we need, like Him. As long as we stay connected to that peace, our flame remains steady.

As long as you have your oxygen with you, your relationship flame can never extinguish.

Tinder

A spark alone can’t set a log on fire- it needs tinder, the dry, easily ignitable fuel that gets the flame going.

In your relationship, your “tinder” is self-care.

When you take care of yourself, you’re better equipped to nurture your relationship. Whether it’s engaging in activities that bring you joy, finding peace through meditation, or making time to relax, self-care keeps you filled with energy and love, which then fuels your relationship flame.

So, what does your tinder look like? Maybe it’s–

• Spending time with God or nature or your loved ones
• Reading the Bible or anything that uplifts you
• Participating in the Holy Sacraments of the Church or in spiritual or meaningful practices
• Being kind to yourself
• Setting boundaries and saying “no” when needed
• Prioritising your core values
• Taking time to disconnect and recharge
• Getting exercise, eating well, and resting

When you’re in a good place mentally, physically, and spiritually, it’s easier to bring a giving mindset into your relationship with faith, hope and love. You stop focusing on what you can get and start thinking about how you can contribute.

And just like one flame can light another, your efforts can bring warmth and growth to your relationship.

Attention

Imagine you’re starting a bonfire and the embers are glowing. Small flames have begun to do their job.

Just then a work email comes through and you get distracted. You spend a few minutes replying to it and before you know it, the flames have spread out of control!

What went wrong? You didn’t pay enough attention.

This is how relationships work- they require constant care and attention.

Like anything meaningful, it takes time to nurture the bond between you and your spouse. To truly light up your lives, both partners need to keep the flame burning- consistently and together.

It’s not just about fixing things when they break- it’s about investing time and effort to keep things strong and healthy every day.

A lot of relationships fall apart because one person stops paying attention. Small issues build up, unspoken problems pile on and before you know it, the connection starts to fade.

Just like a fire that goes out if not maintained, a relationship can burn out when it’s neglected.

So, how are you showing attention to your relationship? Are you listening, engaging and addressing problems early on? Sometimes, it’s the small, consistent moments of care that keep your flame alive.

The key to true lasting love

Instead of chasing a temporary spark, focus on building a lasting connection. It’s the effort, time, and love you pour into each other that keeps a relationship alive- not just those fleeting moments of instant attraction.

Stop worrying about finding the perfect spark. Instead, focus on creating a relationship that grows stronger and brighter with each passing year.

What’s your secret to building a lasting relationship? Share your thoughts in the comment section below.

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