How to turn a romantic spark into a gentle flame

Do you believe in the romantic spark that sets a relationship in motion?

Are you looking for one in the girl or boy you’re seeing presently?

We are sometimes led to believe that the person we finally marry must have this instantaneous intoxicating connection with us. A sign- a pressing indication that together life would pass in seventh heaven.

A few years ago a friend of mine was dating a guy who had the sparks. She would tell me how time just flew by when they were together. On asking what was so attractive about the person she was with, she would ramble on about how great he looked and how charming he was with her.

“But what do you talk?” I asked her one day.

“Oh we just talk about our future. How amazing a husband he will be. How much we both love each other. How compatible we both are! Well I must say he is dying to get married to me.”

What eventually happened is that when it came to making a commitment, the guy threw in the towel and called it quits. My friend was heartbroken but she had learnt her lesson.

Sparks by their nature are electric. They are momentary and oh so deceptive!

That’s why what you really should be looking for is the not the romantic spark but the signs of an undying gentle flame.

Of course I’m not referring to the fire that causes destruction- but the small flame that gives just enough brightness to light up your world.

The factors that turn the romantic spark into a gentle flame

Have you ever wondered how a flame comes into existence?

Well, there are three important factors that contribute to the humble flame.

Oxygen

You know the principle. No oxygen no flame.

We have oxygen all around us. Its existence helps us go about being humans- breathing and working, breathing and loving, breathing and enjoying life.

Thanks to Covid we also understand the seriousness of falling into a state without oxygen. Scary and life threatening isn’t it?

So what is your oxygen when it comes to relationships?

What is your constant? What is the one thing that you can automate for yourself even if your relationship weakens?

For some couples it is the values and beliefs that they grow up with. For some it is their community.

For my husband and I it is God. Over time we have realized that there is no one else that can give the peace that our heart seeks for, but God.

As long as you have your oxygen with you, your flame can never extinguish.

Tinder

Another factor that is crucial to get a flame going is tinder. No, I’m not talking about the app. These are extremely dry pieces of fuel that are responsible for the spark to turn into a flame.

A spark alone cannot bring about the log to set fire. It needs the tinder to ignite first and then transition into a flame which can set the log on fire.

In life, self-care ignites the flame of your relationship. Any activity that keeps you as a person, peaceful and filled with joy- is tinder for your flame. These activities propel your relationship and bring about fulfilment.

What does tinder look like in your day to day life?

Spending time with God
Reading the Bible
Participating in the Holy Sacraments of the church
Being non-judgemental of yourself
Learning to say no
Prioritizing your core values
Disconnecting when required
Reaching out for help
Exercising
Resting
Eating healthy

It is simple. When you take care of yourself in the above ways, you are always filled with faith, hope and love. This wonderful state, helps you look at your relationship as a way to contribute and bring about the greater good. You adopt a mindset of giving.

And when you manifest a service mindset you become the flame.

And we all know how one flame can easily light up another flame right?

Attention

Imagine you’re starting a bonfire in the woods while your friends go out to get some fish. You see the embers glowing. Small flames have begun to do their job.

Just then a work email demands your response. And while you get busy replying to that, the flames have caught up more than you wanted them to. The fire has now become dangerous.

What went wrong here?

Yes you did not pay attention.

Now take the case of your relationship.

Just like anything significant, it takes time to strengthen the coupled flame of your relationship. To brighten up a room both have to keep on burning.

And yet relationships also take time to break down. It is never a result of one mistake.

Most often, relationships break because one person did not care enough for the flame. One person did not pay enough attention and let the problems go unresolved. One person grabbed the damn call.

You know how the slow dripping of a leaky faucet can make us get used to the pattern of noise. So much so that we realise only when it completely breaks. Similarly constant disconnect between a couple can bring about an irreparable rift.

But then you may have also realized by now what it is you need to get back the flame haven’t you?

Don’t look for the romantic spark. Build the flame.

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