Are you terrified of getting married or do you feel you’re not ready enough? Have you been witnessing all the disappointing stories around marriage? What can you do to overcome the fear of marriage? Here are my thoughts.
- What if I marry the “wrong” person?
- What if I lose my identity after marriage? What if my partner tries to control and change me?
- What if I’m not attracted to my to-be spouse or fall out of attraction post marriage?
- What if I'm not ready to get married? Financially or emotionally
- What if my marriage turns into a rough divorce just like my friends’ or my siblings’ or my parents’? What if I’m unlovable because of whatever happened to me in the past?
- How can you overcome your fear of marriage?
I have a friend who got really anxious around her wedding time. She was a strong independent woman, soaring high in her career and a proud provider for her aged parents. Yet even after choosing a partner of her own free will, she was having the jitters.
When I asked her what was troubling her, she replied “Everything is going just too perfectly well. V is great in all ways, but what if he changes after marriage? What if he doesn’t allow me to be myself? What if he gets jealous like many men do? ” I couldn’t believe that despite being a confident person she feared losing control in her marriage.
Trouble did strike the couple after a few months, when my friend’s husband lost his job due to recession and she became solely responsible to maintain their standard of life. Expectations crossed limits, disappointments creeped in, society talked and so came regret.
She remained aloof for a few years and we had no contact. But recently when I again got in touch with her, she shared with me how her life had truly changed post marriage and now even after two children, they were going really strong.
So what had happened? How did she face her problems?
Well, avoiding her feelings definitely didn’t help. But talking to her husband did.
The added burden of maintaining their lifestyle had definitely brought in a lot of challenges but she and her husband were open in communicating their thoughts and feelings to each other.
There were arguments and bad days. Yet, they took this challenge as a team project and whole-heartedly helped each other to be successful at it. Her husband found a job again. She continued to be successful at her career and they soon became a family of four.
“So you don’t have fights now?” I asked curiously
“Ofcourse we do” she laughed, “I just don’t fear them anymore.”
Most fears around marriage, in my experience, are based on the basic need for love. We all wish to be loved and protected all the time. In marriage we expect this love and protection from our partners too.
It is always hard to entrust this need onto someone else, knowing that this could strip us from all the control that we have, over our thoughts and actions.
What is this fear of marriage based upon-
What if I marry the “wrong” person?
Harsh truth- You never marry the right person! Just as you can’t guarantee on how you could change post marriage, the same stands for every other person too. People change all the time! In marriage, you always have to work your way into becoming right for each other.
Related: 8 incredible ways of finding the right partner
What if I lose my identity after marriage? What if my partner tries to control and change me?
Your marriage is not the place where you should look for self-worth. It should never be your complete identity, anyway. Pursue your values and strengthen them so you never fear losing what is core to you. Accept the changes that strengthen your core values, even if it means fighting against your own stubbornness.
Related: Why knowing your true self today can help your marriage tomorrow
What if I’m not attracted to my to-be spouse or fall out of attraction post marriage?
This fear of marriage is absolutely unnecessary. Don’t fall for those stereotypes where the females are supposed to be exceptionally good looking, the males have to be financially well- off and that you need a “spark” to get something started. Ideal love is not based on the excitement and lust that comes with novelty.
In our plastic society, you’re made to believe that women don’t enjoy intimacy post marriage and men have to be manipulated to be brought under control. These are all misleading and absolutely disastrous ideas that stem from a place of insecurity, lack of self-esteem and pure laziness quite frankly. It is not the real deal and far from the truth.
The truth is that marriage can be a truly secure and satisfying institution if you choose to think less about your self and care more for the other, which by the way does not make you weak or small. And no you don’t lose your identity by giving in for what is “right” either!!
Related: What should you look for in a life partner
What if I’m not ready to get married? Financially or emotionally
There are certain times when you must definitely avoid marriage. Like when you’re going through major transitions in life- starting out in a new place, a job change, dealing with a loss of a loved one, a newly diagnosed sickness etc. These are times when you may take a decision clouded by your emotions.
For all other times, you can never be truly ready to get married. That is the truth. But you can prepare yourself and your partner for the way forward.
Self-secure people don’t look at how much wealth you have or how emotional you are. They only look at how honest you are and how well you manage your present finances or emotional distress.
They see your potential and willingness to be a better person (financially or emotionally). They’re confident that together you both can build a better future.
What if my marriage turns into a rough divorce just like my friends’ or my siblings’ or my parents’? What if I’m unlovable because of whatever happened to me in the past?
This is why it is very important to understand your own self first, before marriage. What have been the patterns in your life? What are your emotional triggers? What values do you you uphold sub-consciously? This will help you to be conscious of who you are and the decisions you make on a day to day basis.
If you feel really hopeless about your self or about marriage, talk to somebody about what’s hurting you. Seek counsel for all your past traumas and abuse. Don’t let the fear of uncertainty stop you from embracing a life of love and fulfillment.
Harsh truth- Nobody can talk about loving or being loved in the marital life without mentioning the innumerous struggles or suffering or loss that came with it. Marriage does not mean that you will never get hurt again. It does not mean that you will always be happy.
But after a consistent effort of caring for each other, it does bring about the sweet fruits of fulfillment, in the most unexpected ways. What more? It only takes one partner to get this journey started
How can you overcome your fear of marriage?
- Acknowledge your fears and dig deeper. What is making you so scared? What exactly makes you concerned about commitment or love? What has led you to these beliefs? What are you protecting yourself from?
- Take responsibility for your state of mind. Don’t wait for some event or someone special to turn around your fears. Address your fears. Talk to people who can help you resolve your inner conflict. Reach out to all the happy and fulfilled couples you know. Work towards being a better person yourself.
- Give it to God. As a Christian you can always look back to your identity in God. Submit your fears to Him. Pray for wisdom and guidance, the way King Jehoshaphat did, when he felt like there was no possible way he could win the war (read 2nd Chronicles 20:1-29) . Look forward to changes in your self and in your partner through sacrificial service and spiritual friendship, keeping Christ as your foundation.
Don’t let the fear of marriage stop you from choosing the possibility of a shared meaningful life.
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Found this post useful? You might like reading these as well:
What should you look for in a life partner?
How does marriage change a man’s life?
7 brutal truths about married life
How to stay committed in any relationship
5 qualities you don’t want in a prospective spouse
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Hi! My name is Rubitah. I’m a Content Writer certified Life Coach, Counselor, Social Work professional and the Founder of Being Rubitah. Over the years through my professional and personal life, I have realized that prayers and love can do wonders to family life once you come to terms with yourself and surrender to God. Do you relate to me? Then you may like what I post here! Read more about me
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