What should you look for in a life partner

You know you are ready for marriage. You are meeting new people and you have an idea of what kind of partner would be suitable for you. But are you clear on what makes a good life partner and how do you identify such qualities?

I can’t stress enough the importance of preparing yourself well before getting married. If you’ve been reading my posts you would know that I have shared much for all the to be brides and grooms:

1. regarding arranged marriages, 
2. on finding the right partner, 
3. on things to work on yourself before getting married and 
4. some helpful tips from real people on life after marriage. 

You see, preparation for marriage is a process in itself.

You first try to understand what marriage is about (from relatives, friends, books, my posts ;)), then you try to work on qualities that can make you a good partner in marriage and finally you search for a partner who is best suited for you.

All three are important aspects, but the third one is what makes us all nervous isn’t it?  

This is the part where you are talking to a prospective partner or meeting his (or her) family members. The thought of having someone absolutely unfamiliar sitting right in front (or chatting over a call) and judging can make anyone uneasy! To top it all, you are expected to communicate with them and eventually make a decision. 

Well, let me first help you with a few tips to make you comfortable-

• If you’re nervous, it is okay. It means you’re serious about this process.
• Everyone in your immediate family wishes the best for you. Listen to them but go by your instincts.
• Remember that you are absolutely worth getting a good partner, despite whatever you’ve gone through in life. As long as you are aware of yourself and are willing to work towards being a better person, there is nothing to be shy or ashamed of. Read my post on how to overcome your fear for marriage.
• Note that both marriage parties have the right and freedom to gather facts, in a respectable manner. So don’t hesitate to ask.
• People these days seldom lie in arranged settings because while they may want to be honest in marriage, they also have a fear of getting caught (thanks to social media). So listen carefully to what your prospective partner is saying and take it very seriously.
• Don’t make any decision based on fear or on the belief that you can change your partner’s nature.
• Keep an open mind but stick to what is important to you.
• Life is imperfect. You cannot have complete control over any aspect of your life. So trust in God, trust in the process and hopefully, you will find what you have been looking for.

So now that we have cleared our hearts out, let’s come to the point. What should you look for in a life partner and how do you identify these qualities?

SOMEONE WHO HAS SIMILAR CORE VALUES

Ever wondered why people look for similarities when finding a partner in marriage? Because there is security in familiarity.

Of course this doesn’t mean that you go look for a clone for yourself but what you could do is find someone who shares your core values.

You may feel that different values don’t affect a relationship, but it does, in the long run. For instance if you are someone who values family traditions but your partner resents the idea, it may affect your relationship at a later stage.

Or if you are someone who likes to live lavishly with your present earnings but your partner prefers saving the extra money, it may create resentment in the years to come. 

These issues don’t seem like a problem initially because we all believe that people change.Yes, people have the ability to change but don’t count on it and do not choose your partner based on that sentiment!

Moreover, when you move ahead in life as a couple, you will eventually want the same things. But with viewpoints so far apart, you may find it difficult to prevent these differences get in between your relationship.

Of course there are couples, who live peacefully, despite these differences, but it needs a lot of effort on both sides, to keep their values from coming in between their mutual love and respect.

So choose a partner who shares your core values. You will find your life to be much less complicated.

How to find out if you share the same core values?

• The easiest way (these days) to know whether a person shares your values is to go through their social media profiles. Most youngsters are on these platforms and whether or not they openly express anything, you can certainly interpret their thought processes, with the kind of content they have shared or liked. You will also have a better idea about their likes and dislikes, friends etc. with the kind of conversations they’re involved in, on these platforms. This is of course based on the assumption that you’re already in their social media network.

• Observe what they say to you about their past experiences and future dreams. What have been their priorities in life? Are you able to identify patterns in the journey they have had. All these aspects say a lot about a person’s core values.

• Express your core values and priorities very clearly to your prospective partner. Their response to your beliefs will give you a good idea of whether they resonate with it or not. If you find that they’re uncomfortable, whenever you bring a core value related context, it probably means that they don’t consider it too important.

SOMEONE WHO IS EMOTIONALLY MATURE

Maturity, as you know, comes with age and experience. Emotional maturity is not age-specific, though.

It is the ability to identify and manage your own emotions, during difficult situations, in an appropriate manner; with the understanding that in order to coexist with your environment, you sometimes have to let go of your own desires.

Emotionally mature people are more secure about who they are as individuals. They empathize with others, acknowledge their mistakes, and are less prone to emotional outbursts. 

You see, it is natural to feel negative when somebody disagrees with you, but how you respond to this emotion is what makes the difference.

Do you get angry? Do you throw an attack, right back at the person? If it’s a yes, then I’m sorry you aren’t emotionally mature.

In order to find a partner who is emotionally mature, you need to make sure you have those skills first. Only then will you be able to easily recognize it in others. 

How to develop emotional maturity?

Try to build these skills by first acknowledging your emotion during a disagreement. Are you angry with what this person said? Are you disappointed?

Then try focusing on the cause of this emotion. Did this person speak the truth? Or was it just an attack? Is this person’s attack coming from another context?

From there, work on how you would like to respond. Control the urge to attack or “react” and try to tolerate the discomfort, till you have a solution.

Once you have it, set your boundaries with the person. Tell him or her in a respectful way, what is or is not acceptable to you. 

Accept your fault where necessary and with humility. Else calmly acknowledge the person’s distress, and work on a solution that would sort out the cause of disagreement.

It is not easy and I for one have failed at it many times. Yet it is absolutely worth it because at the end of the day, you want to have peace of mind and be surrounded by healthy relationships.

So work on being emotionally mature. If you find these skills in your prospective partner, don’t let him (or her) go! 🙂

SOMEONE WHO IS KIND

This is again a very important aspect for establishing a stable and satisfying relationship. When we talk about kindness in relationships, we usually refer to those small acts of generosity like buying your partner thoughtful gifts or caring for them when they’re sick. 

Don’t get me wrong! These are definitely great examples of kindness but the true test of kindness lies in the interactions that happen on a daily basis with your partner. It is especially in question during fights!

How to identify kindness in your prospective partner?

Ask these questions to your self, if you’re already in a relationship. If you’re in an arranged marriage setting, try to identify some of these points.

• Does your partner listen to you even when he or she is tired?
• Does your partner show interest in activities that are important to you?
• Is your partner generous enough to ignore your silly habits?
• Is he or she happy when you share your achievements?
• Does he or she appreciate the thought behind your failed attempts in creating a happy environment?

It is important to show kindness because it conveys the message that your partner can trust you during his or her emotional moments. An act of kindness can make your dear one feel understood, valued and secure with you.

Ask any couple who has lived happily for years together and they will tell you that it is the kindness (which is usually emotional maturity + forgiveness), that strengthens their relationship. 

So practice kindness right away with your close relationships and look for this golden trait, when you’re looking for a life partner.

SOMEONE WHO IS RESPECTFUL BY NATURE

It is important for a relationship like marriage to be built on respect. As John Kim from Psychology Today defines it- 

Respect means no one has power or authority over someone else. It means we don’t have to agree with someone to love them. Respect means to give someone space to have their own opinions and journey. Respect means to let go. Accept. Not judge. Don’t react. Don’t control. Let be. Let grow. Respect means to not place your definitions on someone else. Respect means to work on your own issues. Respect means to have your own safe life container.

So look for someone whom you will be happy to respect, for the respectful person he or she is.

How to identify respect?

• Observe how this person treats his parents, his friends, his subordinates.
• Notice how he or she treats you.
• Does he value your time?
• Does he protect your personal space?
• Does his behaviour make you feel proud?
• Does his nature put you at ease?
• Will you be happy to introduce this person to your family and friends?

SOMEONE OF HIGH INTEGRITY

According to Google, integrity means being honest and having strong moral principles. A person of high integrity is someone who has the wisdom of knowing right from wrong and has the discipline to the do the right things for the right reasons, in a consistent manner, even when it is challenging.

It does not mean that this person doesn’t make mistakes. He does, but he is confident enough to acknowledge his actions with complete honesty and recommit to the relationship in question.

Integrity is therefore an ideal, and admirable trait in a marriage prospect. You can always trust such people because they bring stability in their relationships and make them more fulfilling.

So try to cultivate personal integrity by staying committed to doing what is right, even in the smallest decisions, that you make on a daily basis.

How to identify a person of high integrity?

Look for someone who-

1. keeps his word or promises,
2. believes in giving more than receiving
3. offers to help others in need  
4. is comfortable to say no 
5. acknowledges his mistakes graciously
6. puts other’s needs above his own
7. is reliable in any situation
8. has a sense of fairness with all

SOMEONE WHOM YOU CAN BE FRIENDS WITH

According to a recent study in Canada, people who consider their spouses as best friends are more likely to be satisfied in their marriage. 

Think about it. You and your best friend accept each other without feeling vulnerable. You are never shy of communicating your feelings with each other because you know that you will not be judged.

You motivate each other and help each other out during times of distress. You appreciate the little things you do for each other. More importantly you tell each other everything and openly share the joys and sorrows of life knowing that you can rely on each other.

In marriage too, friendship helps strengthen the bond with your partner in both physical and emotional aspects. It generates a sense of security in the relationship. You open up your heart to your partner, knowing that he (or she) wishes the best for you.

How to understand if your prospective partner can make a good friend?

Look for someone-

• whom you can easily open up to,
• whom you can share your dreams with;
• someone who enjoys your company,
• makes you laugh,
• hears you out,
• empathizes with you,
• comforts you,
• accepts you as you are,
• respects your boundaries,
• motivates you
• inspires you to be a better person

and vice-versa

Conclusion

What I have put down above are all ideal, yet invaluable factors for a happy marriage, but I must share with you, that you can never completely know a person before marriage- not even if you’re living together. So look for someone who atleast strives to achieve these qualities in life by not just believing what he says but also by observing his actions and by taking into account his life experiences.

Wish you all the best!

Found this post useful? You might like reading these as well:

5 qualities you don’t want in a prospective spouse

How does marriage change a man’s life

When you have to wait to live with your partner

How to identify unhealthy anger

How to overcome your fears around marriage

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Hi! My name is Rubitah. I’m a Content Writer certified Life Coach, Counselor, Social Work professional and the Founder of Being Rubitah. Over the years through my professional and personal life, I have realized that prayers and love can do wonders to family life once you come to terms with yourself and surrender to God. Do you relate to me? Then you may like what I post here! Read more about me

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