You have finally met your best match and yet in all the excitement, you are not happy. There’s something that’s still disturbing you about your prospective spouse. What are these signals that you’re possibly ignoring? How do you identify them?
It is easy to get caught up in the excitement of a new relationship.
After a long (sometimes short) period of basic shortlisting, you find a prospective spouse who passes through all your (or your family’s) basic checkpoints for marriage, with flying colours.
In the context of arranged marriages, this usually happens after a basic level of conversation between the two families, has taken place.
With things finally going on track, you are all ready to face this person and are eager to know more about him(or her).
So much of effort has gone in the search of Mr (or Ms) Right that you now tell yourself to be positive. You are also requested by family members to not be “too strict with your preferences”.
So you open-heartedly welcome the person in your personal space, sharing with him(or her) about your life, your likes, dislikes, goals and interests.
Everything goes great till you start sensing that something is not right. You are stressed and anxious, yet you can’t really understand why!
Well, my friend you’re probably experiencing some red flags!
Red flags are signals that you receive from a person, which point towards the person’s potential to behave harmfully.
It is often difficult to spot these red flags because you usually evaluate behaviour from your own history, your present relationships and what you have seen others do.
So you ignore them by justifying the behaviour with rationale such as-
“there was only one such instance.” or
“it was insignificant” or
that the person’s “good qualities easily outweigh the bad ones.”
After all nobody is perfect, right?
Yes, nobody is perfect and there is always room for improvement. Yet it is important to at least address these red flags.
You see, what makes you uncomfortable today could make you feel distressed tomorrow, when you are even more involved in the relationship.
Also, while every person could have his(or her) own set of red flags, there are some basic ones that everyone looking for a stable relationship must watch out for.
Lying about credentials
Many people lie on matrimonial sites. Some outrightly lie on your face too. They lie about their age, education, profession, personal habits, money issues, family details and many other things.
It was easier in the earlier days to catch such lies, with strong family networks. The world however is getting smaller and our families are getting more nuclear. Hence not enough help is available, to crosscheck these credentials.
Why is lying about credentials a red flag?
When you are looking for a partner in marriage, you are placing your trust on the person and his family, with the belief that you will have a positive future together, based on their credentials (whatever they may be).
So when your prospective spouse (or family) lies about important information that best expresses the person’s identity, you are misled into something unreal.
To protect self interests, the person knowingly takes the risk of jeopardizing his (or her) relationship with you.
If the lies are ignored or not addressed correctly, it can unfortunately prevent you both and your families from building an authentic connection.
Here’s one method you can follow to spot a lie, when in doubt:
- First ask your partner (in person) some general questions about a favourite movie or dish. This is to understand the person’s body language when speaking the truth. He (or she) maybe smiling, with wide open eyes, looking at you or shy, reserved,etc.
- Next observe how they respond on important topics like the ones mentioned above. If the person is lying he (or she) will most probably give out subconscious clues that don’t match with the response given while telling the truth. No eye contact or excessive blinking, fidgety behaviour, lip biting, shoulder shrugging, crouching,voice modulation, diverting the topic, complicated answers are some clues that you can look out for.
If you get a hunch that there is some lie mixed up in the conversations you’re having, try to inquire about this person with the help of your family and friends.
You can do some digging yourself, by checking out all his(or her) online profiles. Everybody is on social media these days and it is not difficult to find out if somebody has an active profile or not.
Finally, if you do catch your prospective spouse lying about his (or her credentials), it is best to humbly bow out of the alliance.
Unhealthy behavioural patterns
Some people find it difficult to cope with the demands of everyday life.
They may lack the ability to learn from their mistakes or accept responsibility or are unable to maintain a healthy balance of emotions to make the right responses in various situations.
If not addressed, this would often reflect in the person’s life experiences, in the form of unhealthy patterns of behaviour, that he (or she) is unable to break loose from.
Remember that all have one or two events in their lives, when they display characteristics of unhealthy behaviour, but we are talking about people who repeatedly choose the wrong responses.
Such people in most cases are self-destructive, superficial and spend a lot of energy just hanging on to their own problems, sometimes fully unaware of their effects and thus having no control over their actions.
They unfortunately cannot bring any value to their interpersonal relationships unless they don’t acknowledge their behaviour and work towards breaking these patterns in positive ways.
So ask yourself these questions:
- Is your prospective spouse always negative about every other thing?
- Do you find repetitive trust issues in this person’s life experiences?
- Has this person always run away from responsibilities?
- Has this person repeatedly been involved in violent activities?
- Has this person compromised his(or her) values and beliefs repeatedly in life?
- Do you find this person complaining about the same problems over and over again with no visible intentions to solve them?
- Has this person had repeated incidences of illegal activities?
- Do you feel that this person has no remorse or even awareness of a poor behavioural pattern?
- Do you find this person fearless of behavioural consequences?
If your answer to any of the above questions is yes, then it is extremely important to address this red flag.
Confront this person directly on your concerns, or ask your friends or family members to inquire about him(or her) further.
If you still feel uncomfortable about your prospective spouse, it is best to stop right there. Never think you can change a person who has unhealthy behavioural patterns. He (or she) needs serious help not you.
Abusive behaviour
What is abuse? It is “a pattern of behavior used by one person to gain and maintain power and control over another.”
You usually think of abuse as something physical but abusive behaviour also includes, sexual, emotional, verbal, economic and even cultural aspects.
Anyone can become a victim of abuse despite the age, gender, socioeconomic status, education, religion, and ethnicity. Any form of abuse is wrong and the sooner you spot the signs of such behaviour, the easier it would be to protect yourself.
Some questions you can ask yourself:
- Is your prospective spouse possessive and cautiously isolating you from your friends and family?
- Does this person make you feel stupid, ugly or worthless?
- Does this person constantly try to tell you what you must wear, where you should go , what you must do, etc?
- Is this person placing unrealistic expectations from your relationship?
- Is this person hypersensitive to strong emotions and reacts aggressively?
- Is this person insisting on being given your passwords?
- Does this person stalk you on social media channels?
- Does this person send you unwanted explicit pictures/videos and/or demands that you send yours in return?
- Does this person force you into any activity that is uncomfortable to you and then makes you feel guilty when you don’t comply?
- Is this person demeaning in his(or her) behaviour towards you?
- Is this person always making a big deal out of small issues?
- Is this person obsessed about you, and becomes instantly uncomfortable, the minute you give your attention to someone else?
- Is this person rushing you in the “falling in love” process?
Your prospective spouse should always respect your boundaries. If you find yourself agreeing to any of the above, then it is best that you report this to your family and not get further involved.
Poor communication
In a time where we are absolutely surrounded by distractions, communication between couples has become quite a challenge.
These days, we are preferring to convey our thoughts, love and resentment for our partner through social media, than communicating them directly to our partner.
The result? Others seem to know and assume more about what is happening in your relationship than you. These are clear cases of displaced communication. Research shows this to be one of the top reasons for divorce.
A healthy relationship thus relies on open and good communication where both the partners feel safe to express with each other and work towards creating a deep insight and understanding about each other.
Every happy and experienced couple will tell you that you eventually get better at communicating with your partner over time, but yes you have to put an effort to make that happen.
Remember that communication doesn’t have to be in just words.(Introverts, relax!) As long as partners are able to convey and listen to thoughts or emotions through any medium (words or gestures or songs etc) in a decent manner with each other, they are good.
It is also natural to be shy, nervous and observant in the beginning of a relationship. Yet you and your partner must honestly communicate your thoughts, expectations, interests and future goals with each other, else you will be cooking yourself a recipe for misunderstandings, that would eventually cause disagreements in your relationship.
A spouse who seems withdrawn and doesn’t make any effort in showing his (or her) love through communication, can leave you feeling unfulfilled and insecure.
Poor communication then becomes a red flag when your prospective partner is not communicating at all or is consistently communicating in a poor manner.
So ask yourself these questions:
- Are you the only one talking in your relationship? Do you get reasonable responses?
- Is your prospective spouse disregarding or invalidating your feelings? (I don’t care or why should I bother attitude)
- Is this person avoiding certain topics with you, that you place top priority to?
- Does this person divert your discussions quite too often?
- Does this person resort to sarcasm or personally attack you every other time?
- Do you feel intimidated in the way this person communicates?
- Do you feel dominated or imposed upon (like how a parent directs his child) in your conversations?
- Is this person always agreeing with you (like a yes man or woman)?
- Is this person submitting to all your expectations, with no feedback whatsoever?
Though this aspect may not occur as a red flag early on, it is still important to address it in time. Clearly express your discomfort regarding this issue with your partner and if you find that he(or she) continues to communicate poorly with you, then it is advisable that you avoid getting further involved.
Narcissism
We are unfortunately living in a narcissistic world, where more importance is given to self and individualism, in every aspect of our lives. You can observe this by just looking at your feed in your social media channels.
Little do we realize that the behaviour we are encouraging is possibly going to create problems, when it comes to marriage. The more obsessed we are getting about ourselves (our interests, our achievements, our goals) in trying to be self-dependent individuals, the less tolerant we are becoming towards our partner’s shortcomings.
Anyway narcissistic behaviour is 10 steps ahead of that.
A narcissistic partner can cause great emotional distress in his (or her) relationships. It is challenging to live with such personalities since they are always focused on themselves and see their partners only in terms of how they fulfill their needs.
How to identify narcissists?
- Is your prospective spouse always talking (rather boasting) about himself(or herself)? His experiences, his decisions, his opinions, his goals
- Does this person constantly fish for compliments, seeking your admiration in everything that he(or she) does?
- Does this person consistently devalue your thoughts and emotions?
- Is this person consistently breaking his(or her) promises?
- Does this person genuinely believe he(or she) is superior to others in all respects?
- Does this person feel entitled to have special consideration, wherever he (or she) goes?
- Is this person disrespectful towards your priorities in life?
- Does this person throw a tantrum or play the victim card when criticized?
- Does this person obsess over power, beauty, status, class and success?
If you find atleast 5 of the above characteristics in your prospective spouse, it is best that you leave the relationship. You really don’t want to be with a person who only sees you as an accessory!
Identifying red flags can be difficult especially at the start of a relationship.
Here are some tips to keep in mind when looking for a spouse
- Pray for God to keep you away from destructive people and to find a partner who is best suitable for you.
- Take your time to find the right person You will know it when he or she comes- a person who makes it easy to love, forgive and live a life of faith.
- Trust yourself but also trust God. You trust yourself better when you make the effort of knowing yourself well, (your values, your beliefs, your goals). Yet, also trust God. Even when things don’t seem to go in the most favourable condition, trust and pray for Him to guide you and make everything good in His good time.
- Once you find someone suitable, observe how this person is with others- with his own family members, with women, with elders, with children, with animals or with strangers who have no benefit to him (or her).
- Have a third person like a family friend or mentor meet your prospective spouse or observe a family meeting as a silent member. This way you will get an unbiased opinion.
- Try to get a good picture of this person’s complete life. There is a lot that you can know about a person just by the choices he makes and the relationships he keeps.
- Focus more on how this person acts, than on what he (or she) says.
- Discuss with somebody who knows you well, about your new relationship, when in doubt. Sometimes, actual reasons for anxiety (whether serious or not) come out when you “talk” about your feelings.
Are you facing any problems looking for the right partner? To leave a comment please scroll towards the bottom of this page.
Found this post useful? You might like reading these as well:
What should you look for in a life partner
How to deal with people who hurt you
Marrying the arranged way- 3 brides share their experiences
7 brutal truths about married life
15 wedding gift ideas for the newly married couple
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