How to deal with people who hurt you

In an era where hate speeches and random insults are the norm of the day, where do you draw the line? And when it is someone close, how do you overcome the fear of losing them? How to deal with people who hurt you?

Do you have someone in your life, around whom it is difficult to be yourself? Does their influence interfere with your sense and state of peace? Does talking to them make you feel ridiculed or manipulated? Do you feel like you need to take a break from being around them but can not?

Difficult people are found everywhere. You meet them in your neighbourhood, at work, during travel and at random places.

But what if this person is a close friend or a sibling or parent or spouse or your child? It can be extremely difficult to ignore them and even forgive them, right?

Because then the relationship is at stake and also your sense of security!

Then how to handle people who hurt you? Here are a few ways that truly work-

Commit yourself to a meditative routine

How you approach this feeling of hurt depends on how you approach your daily life in general. Are you following a routine that helps you to be your best self? Are you eating healthy? Do you take time out for your own desires? Do you have anything in your ongoing routine that strengthens and uplifts you?

It is like the “wear your own oxygen mask before helping others” call in an airplane. Unless you are not peaceful from within, you will not have the right tools to approach challenging situations and people.

So whether it is prayer or journaling or talking to someone who truly cares about you, do it regularly. In the Bible even Jesus moved away from his disciples, time and again, to pray in peace.

Accept the offence for what it is

Often times even when someone close has hurt you, you tend to defend their behaviour.

“Oh but he’s going through some stressful times”

“She has struggled so much in life.”

“In all honesty, I think I provoked him to behave this way.”

Never justify bad behaviour. What is wrong is wrong. Every adult is old enough to take responsibility for their emotions and behaviour.

Following are some signs of feeling offended

• They have let you down multiple times in life.
• You feel ridiculed, cheated, manipulated or ill-treated with them.
• They repeatedly accuse you. “Why do you make me do this to you?” is one of their favourite slogans!
• They use threats to control you.
• You feel overly obligated to abide by what they say and ask of you.
• You always feel guilty around them.
• You are made to feel responsible for all that they are going through.
• You are made to compromise on your values for them.

Accept these offences when they are made. It does not make you weak to accept that you are vulnerable or hurt. In fact it is a sign of recovery and a journey towards better mental health.

Listen

This may come as a surprise but if there is even 1% truth in what this person says about you, listen in humility and work on it.

People who criticize or manipulate or ridicule you, are often those who don’t know any other way to handle their own insecurities. They were probably criticised or manipulated or ridiculed themselves, growing up and have only seen these behaviours dominating in the relationships around them.

So if you are around someone like that, know that it’s not about you. It is about them.

Choose to listen to people, only if their intention is to help.

Ask yourself these questions when someone criticises you-

• Does this person know me well- my situation, my context?
• Is this person emotionally wounded at present? Is he going through stressful times?
• Is this person doing this to get attention?
• Does this person sound like he has no intention to help?
• Is this person overly critical?

If your answer is a resounding yes to any of the above, then don’t take this accusation seriously.

Now ask yourself “Who in my life gives me constructive criticism? Who has pointed out my mistakes but also truly helped me?” Listen to them whole-heartedly, for your personal development.

Respond softly

I know how you can feel tempted to lash back at someone who’s always putting you down. An eye for an eye, an acidic response to an accusation- rip them apart, beat them down, is what your brain likely tells you, when you are with someone who repeatedly hurts you.

Let’s look at how in the Bible, Jesus responded to Pharisees and other chief priests who were bent on humiliating Jesus.

• He recalled many incidents from the scripture that supported His truth. (Mathew 12)
• He condemned their behaviour upfront. (Mark 12:24)
• He remained silent when he was brought before the Sanhedrin. (Mathew 26- 62-63)

In Mathew 16:23 when Jesus mentions his coming death, Peter shows concern saying “God forbid, Lord. That must never happen to you!.” Jesus’ is quick to rebuke him and say “Get away Satan!……these thoughts of yours don’t come from God, but from human nature.”

Yes, Jesus took no offence from any of the challenging people He met in His life . Even when He was slandered, insulted, betrayed, accused, threatened, manipulated, ridiculed by others and His own. He only responded softly, firmly and wisely.

When you feel offended you make the “self” too important for it’s own good. (Read this- The surprising truth about pursuing self-worth) In fact you make yourself and the offender more important than God Himself!

Remember God never pushes us to do something for Him. He gives us free will. He allows us to make choices. Then who are we to give and take control of the people in our life?

So make this a God-given responsibility to respond to people who repeatedly try to hurt you but with humility- when they’re missing some basic facts about the topic in question or if they are in a position to willingly listen.

And if you feel you are being attacked for the wrong reasons, immediately say “Let’s not talk about this. This is not going to work on me.”

Redefine your relationship

If your parents make you feel guilty about not pursuing things the way they would like you to, you are not obligated to obey them. If your spouse is repeatedly displacing his stress on you, you must communicate that matter to him. If your boss threatens to fire you, you are not obligated to stay.

The goal of any relationship is to have two people contributing to the growth of the other. And that does not include abandoning the joy that God has gifted you with!

So if you are repeatedly being hurt by people, it is also a sign of a lack of boundaries. Set healthy boundaries. Keep a distance by discussing what this relationship means to you and them, what is acceptable or not to make it work and what would be the consequences if either of you fail to comply.

This way God’s will can work in you, the other person and your relationship. In all truth, you are doing a favour to the both of you when you are honest about your part.

Learn to let go of people who hurt you

This is undoubtedly the most difficult decision to take. If the person who hurts you is extremely important to you but is just not willing to make any effort towards improving this relationship, learn to let it go!

When you look at how Jesus dealt with difficult people, you will see that nowhere does Jesus go out of his way to prove them wrong or force them into seeing things the way He saw them.

How to let go

Forgive them for the hurt they gave you. Jesus clearly says in His prayer “Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.” That’s a call to extend God’s grace to everyone who hurts you.

Pray for the people who repeatedly hurt you, for they are under the strong influence of their weaknesses. Pray that they learn to depend on God for their growth and not by taking control.

Letting go also means that you allow them to face the consequences. It means that you value the relationship that God intended it to be, more than their personal weaknesses. That you rely on God to help them overcome this.

Letting go can include seeking help for your situation. In circumstances of abuse it also means choosing the sanctity of life over the sanctity of the relationship.

Love them for the person God intends them to be. Help them when they need you, while keeping your boundaries in place.

Hope you find peace in your relationships, especially the one with God!

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