A little comparison is healthy if it pushes you to work on yourself and develop self-awareness but if you keep comparing yourself with others then it maybe it’s time to reflect and avoid falling prey to false self-expectations.
- When does comparing yourself with others become unhealthy
- Comparisons are based on assumptions
- But first how can you stop comparing yourself with others?
- Know your triggers
- Focus on where you are today
- Stop dwelling in your negative thoughts
- Don't put anyone down
- Work on making progress
- Accept your differences
- Be grateful
About 3 years ago, on a particular day, I was having a casual conversation with my good friend from a former workplace. She suddenly announced to me that she was joining a corporate company at a handsome salary.
I congratulated her but in the depth of my heart I felt a pang. I was excited for her but in my mind a sudden tsunami of thoughts began to flow.
“If I hadn’t left India, I too would have been in a much better position by now.”
“If I had continued working, I would have by now, established myself in the CSR realm. (CSR or corporate social responsibility was my dream field since college)”
“If we had settled in India, things would have been so much more exciting”
And then it came out vocally. “Sometimes I really envy you P” I said
To which P immediately replied “But I envy you. You are married. You have a baby. A happy family and a world of your own while I’m still looking for my special someone. How I wish I could start with my family life too!”
That response really got me to think and after a healthy discussion we both recognized that what I considered as gaps in my life, were not as valuable as the gaps my friend perceived to have, in her life. Our comparisons may have turned futile and destructive in nature, had we not discussed and put away with it.
Thank God I have friends like her because the comparison trap is real.
Now a little comparison of course is healthy if it pushes you to work on yourself and develop self-awareness but if you constantly keep comparing yourself with others then maybe it’s time to reflect and avoid falling prey to false self-expectations.
How?
When does comparing yourself with others become unhealthy
Constant and unfair comparison happens when you
- permit others to drive your thoughts and behaviour
- weigh their strengths with your weaknesses
- devote your time and energy in the pursuit of something that doesn’t define you
- point out someone’s weaknesses so you can feel superior about yourself.
- unfairly project your anger towards other people in your life
- make decisions that are questionable
In fact when you keep comparing yourself with others, you sow a belief in your heart that what you currently are or pursue is not valuable enough. And this belief (or lack of one) will compel you to try and act towards proving something that may not define you in the first place!
Comparisons are based on assumptions
We live in a time that throws us into the comparison mode wherever we turn. Also today, we talk or discuss less and consume more- more information, more desires, leading to more gratification. We are restless and quick to judge.
Naturally, most of our comparisons are also based on assumptions. Remember the saying “half knowledge is worse than no knowledge”? Well, currently most of our thoughts and opinions are based on half knowledge.
We assume our friends are doing better or worse because we don’t talk openly to them. We assume our colleagues are being rewarded unfairly because we are not aware of the umpteen falls they’ve had before reaching that stage. We assume our leaders have wrong motives because someone said so.
Assumptions are dangerous but finding the truth about things you really aspire for, is surprisingly easy. All it needs is a little commitment to yourself. I’ve written a little about this in this post.
But first how can you stop comparing yourself with others?
Following are some points you can make note of-
Know your triggers
Sometimes it’s just a matter of getting away from what makes you uncomfortable or unhappy. If scrolling through your Instagram or Facebook feed makes you feel bad about yourself- stop the practice. If meeting a particular friend who loves to boast disturbs your mood- note it in your head and next time change the direction of your conversation as soon as the trigger hits. All this avoidance is only till the time you learn to be authentic and confident of who you are.
Focus on where you are today
Shift your attention to reflect on what your present strengths are and which areas need improvement. Ask yourself the following questions-
- What do you enjoy about your life right now?
- What do you not enjoy?
- What progress have you made in your life wrt your family, career, personal projects etc
- Is there any particular aspect that you have neglected all this time?
Don’t worry if there has been a recent failure or loss. When you reflect on the above questions, your perspective will automatically change from “I cannot or have not or lost…….” to “this is good for me” or “I need to work on this”
Stop dwelling in your negative thoughts
Most often we judge ourselves too hard and give an easy go to people who seem to portray themselves as happy. Well, for one, shorten the time you spend on thinking about others. And shift your focus to being aware of your own experiences.
You may be going through some bad days but are you making the mistake of letting a few bad experiences ruin your entire day or even the entire week? Are you ignoring the happy instances? If you’ve faced one harsh situation today can you try and negate it by creating two positive experiences in the rest of the day? It’s all math at the end of the day! More positives will naturally overpower the negative.
Don’t put anyone down
Sometimes out of our own insecurities we criticize or discredit someone who is doing better than us. Out of denial we refuse to accept that we may be less than them, in one or more aspects, in that point of time and end up hurting the relationship in question. Don’t do that. If feelings such as these rise up, avoid the person till you’ve learnt how to stop comparing yourself with others.
Otherwise, make this an opportunity to know them better. Ask them about their journey to success. What challenges have they been facing? How do they overcome their weaknesses? What have been their milestones? What is their goal? This way you will feel motivated to work on your own life and objectives and even rejoice in their success. They will truly appreciate this and your friendship will become strong, undeterred by any negative influence.
Work on making progress
In a world that constantly talks about goals (couple goals, career goals, family goals, personal goals) try focusing on making progress instead. How can you make your tomorrow better? What small changes can be made in your approach? Which challenge can be easily done away with? Which aspect needs more attention? Which one needs help? Life is a journey and acknowledging the little progress will keep you motivated for the bigger goals.
Accept your differences
In my opinion you never compare or even envy someone you’re inspired from. Usually you compare yourself with someone who seems to be ticking all the boxes of what you consider as the world’s standard- of what people around you seem to respect. And because we all want to be accepted and well regarded by our communities, we desire to be like that someone.
Well, maybe it’s time you accept yourself with your faults, your past, your achievements and your differences. Because there will always be someone richer, smarter and better than you at a given point of time. Accept that you are enough and have enough with a scope of improvement. Because it is not wrong to be different from others. It is wrong to be indifferent to your differences!
Be grateful
Don’t undermine the blessings you already have in your life. A supportive family, a stable job, considerate friends, a sensitive spouse, healthy kids are all reasons to be thankful about. The more you thank God for your blessings the more content you will be in whatever situation you are. Your self-worth, you will realize, derives from God alone and in His love you can always feel secure.
Comparisons will happen all the time. Make a mental note and let go!
How do you approach comparison in your daily life? Please scroll down to comment.
This post is part of Blogchatter’s CauseAChatter
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Hi! My name is Rubitah. I’m a Content Writer certified Life Coach, Counselor, Social Work professional and the Founder of Being Rubitah. Over the years through my professional and personal life, I have realized that prayers and love can do wonders to family life once you come to terms with yourself and surrender to God. Do you relate to me? Then you may like what I post here! Read more about me
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