If you’re a woman in between the process of marrying the arranged way, then you would have definitely thought of these questions- How do I search for the right partner? What do I ask? What should I keep in mind?
The concept of an arranged marriage has absolutely changed for the modern Indian woman. Today, the bride, has a say in every step of the process.
No more compulsions, no forced conversations and no obligations. The new age bride is smart, independent and understands whats best for her self and her family. She definitely wishes for a Mr Darcy, but like Elizabeth Bennett in the movie “Pride and Prejudice” she is careful about her pursuits.
Marrying the arranged way is now trickier though. With the decline of joint family systems and the rise of hectic city routines, it is much harder these days to research the background of a boy (or girl).
Once a basic profile is created on a matrimonial site (often done by parents), most people check the boy’s profile on Facebook and LinkedIn, to know more about his(or her) personal and professional life.
That henceforth becomes the first authentic record of the person’s character. But what if the prospective is not an active participant of these forums? What do you do?
Read on to find out how three brides went through this journey of finding their groom and what they learnt from the process.
NAVYA SUNNY
I was 24 when my parents told me “it’s time to get you hitched”. I was anxious then, owing to the horrible stories that happen to women across the world. However, I also knew I did not have the energy to immerse myself into the idea of a love marriage.
So I thought- why not give it a shot! I trusted my parents anyway. It takes a lot of time to find the right guy, so on my approval, my parents immediately created my profile in a matrimonial site and started searching and calling one family after the other.
I first thought it was fun because you are just looking at the photos and sending interests. I had created this delusion of a guy with all the attributes that I love, thanks to fictional series! Nothing worked out.
Anyways, by the time I was 25 , my parents got more serious and I started getting more proposals. That was when I decided to not take this lightly.
So how did I go about this search?
I started introspecting on what I actually need in a man and not what I want. As I was born in a Christian household, I always wanted a guy with similar beliefs and faith (which was a priority during that searching phase).
Maybe it is not important for many, but it was for me. So my suggestion would be to write down about what you need in your partner, maybe create a checklist if you want to.
Secondly it was important for me that I should not lose my identity – who I am as a person. I did not want this institution to be a bondage of any sorts.
So ask questions as much as possible. Even your parents will not stop you from doing that. For example “Are you okay with me working post marriage?” or if you do not want to work ask the exact opposite.
Try to understand if his thought process matches with yours (whatever that may be) or if you can live with his. For me, it was important for the guy to be liberal in his thinking.
Thirdly it was important that the guy or his family is not selfish. Most of the times people fail to recognize this part.
I had an acquaintance who had reached the final stage of the search process. When the time came to finalize the dates, the prospective family demanded the house in which they were living. The engagement was called off, naturally.
Fourthly, it was important for me that the guy was self-confident. Will he be my moral support during testing times? You should be able to open up to the guy without any problem.
I was easily comfortable maybe because he was born and raised in North India and also maybe because we were from the same career fields. Though it is not the same case for everyone, but it helped us knowing each other better.
Fifth and most important is that we talked about our family, how important are our parents to us. Marriage does not mean disowning them.
So what I learnt during the whole process is that the search is tedious and mentally tiring but the key is to communicate as much possible, ask lot of questions, may be even analyze that person on every tiny detail and also pray a lot.
JENEETA CHACKO
Like all parents, my parents wanted me to find a partner and get settled.
I thought it was a simple process, where as soon as you put your profile on a matrimonial site or other mediums, you start getting quick responses. So I dilly dallied to make sure I wasn’t married in the blink of an eye.
Turns out I am completely wrong. Marriages don’t happen for all in the blink of an eye. You are blessed if you find your partner at one go. But that was not my case. I went through a frustratingly long period of 9 years, to finally find someone who understands me.
I found the process and the way we approach marriage very traditional and biased. But that is not the only thing to worry about, it is an excruciatingly long list of other parameters too. For example, the fact that a bride was the same age or a few months older than the groom, was given precedence, over compatibility.
I had in the process lost confidence in myself and after a series of rejections come to a conclusion, that maybe marriage was not for me. However moods and attitudes change with time and by the time it finally happened, I rebelled against anything that was even remotely traditional.
So when I met my partner I was ready to ask him tough questions. I wanted to give him a hard time. I went with a closed mind, convinced that this was going to be a waste of my time and his.
What changed my mind however, was how with patience, he turned all my ifs to why not. By the end of the meeting, I gave him another small jolt. I said that even though I was 31, an age at which I should not be delaying marriage, I would not say yes after just one meeting. Luckily he thought the same!
We took a year to get to know each other. We gave priority to meeting in person over talking on calls or whats app, which of course was not fine with our parents, as they felt we needed to talk more.
Finally we took the plunge and became husband and wife on April 19th, 2018.
So how do you find the right partner?
I am no expert in what will work for someone or will not. But as a couple getting to know each other is important. Parents will have their expectations.
As a couple, however, you need to set your comfort zones and take your time in getting ready for this journey. Say yes only if you are sure in your heart. Time and people can wait. Pray and keep your faith, even when you feel that God has forgotten you. Trust me He knows what you need, stay strong.
An open mind is the first step, towards keeping aside any limit or baggage that comes with marriage. Once the groom or bride is decided, there will be a list of to do’s to get done.
Decide and talk about things that work for you as individuals and as a couple and come to common grounds. Resist external opinions that aim to define your marriage. In the process try to learn and cherish little things about each other.
PRIYANKA SINGH
I wasn’t sure what to ask, I was not ready with the list of questions which could help me decide if he’s the one. No one ever told me what questions to ask so how would I decide……
In the month of Feb 2012, my parents and I met a guy-the marriage prospect. It was a fultoo family drama, his family and my family trying to break the ice and making us feel comfortable.
No matter how hard they tried, the family meetings were never comfortable. Soon these family meetings turned into personal meetings (official dates). Take a breath here. It eventually took me 7 years to zero down that one guy!!
I got married in Feb 2019, yes exactly 7 years and yeah that long.
In all these 7 years I have met more than 50 guys. It was fun! I never had to worry about a Valentine date, as my father was setting it up for me 😉
But it was exhausting. It was emotionally draining to meet new guys every other month, going through the same drill over and over again.
From all these meetings I understood one thing- all the eligible bachelors are looking for a confident, independent girl who can take charge of her own life. Few more conversations and I would realize that these bachelors want their to-be wives to consult them for each and everything they do in their life 🙂 Funny isn’t it?
We all have an image in our head about our partner. The qualities which we want in our partner, whether he should be sensitive or caring. There are doubts that we carry too- will he be understanding enough or not, etc. I too had some of these doubts in my mind, but that wasn’t helping, so I thought to play it the other way.
So how did I zero down on my husband?
What is it, that I just can’t tolerate or adjust to? Now that was the real question for me. I have always seen myself as someone who can easily mingle with everyone and can adjust with anything, so it took me some time to think through.
I consciously made that extra effort and realized that “a guy who is insecure is a BIG NO NO for me’. This idea of finalizing 1-2 things that I didn’t want, actually helped me make the final call.
So if you are looking for an arranged marriage, consider the points below. Ab saat saal ke experiment ka kisi ko toh fayda ho! (Somebody should definitely benefit from this 7 year experiment!)
- Zero down on things which are a clear NO for You
- Zero down on things which are a MUST for you
- Go out for a lunch/dinner a proper meal, you will notice how he eats, behaves in public, how’s he with waiters, etc. It talks a lot about the human being
- If possible introduce him/her to a friend of yours. A good friend, someone who is a better judge of people
And once you have said YES (Courtship period)
- I suggest it’s best to enter a relationship with no expectation.That’s the best way to lead a life. There will be no disappointments, if there are no expectations 🙂
- Be expressive: express your love, care and give your partner the opportunity to reciprocate the same
- Do not hesitate to share what you are not comfortable with. He/She might be sensitive but not smart enough to understand that you are uncomfortable, so help him /her to understand the reason for your discomfort.
- And the most important: no matter what, never ever compromise with your self-respect.
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Hello!!
I am Rubitah, a Certified Life Coach, former Social Worker and Blogger. Over the years through my profession and personal life, I have realized that love and prayers can do wonders to family life, once you come to terms with your own self and surrender to God. Do you relate to me? Then I’m sure you would like what I post here. Read more
