Do you get blank when your toddler loses his temper at a public place or at home? Does reasoning with your child seem impossible? How can you confront a toddler tantrum when it happens?
On a particular day, my son was quietly playing with his blocks, while I was cooking for lunch. He was just back from play-school and was humming a familiar tune, while building his plane. I offered him a fruit which he kept aside.
After a few minutes he called out
“Ammaa”
“Yes” I responded
“Ammaaa, give me something to eat?”
“You have the fruit Steve. Else you wait, Amma will give you lunch in some time.”
“No fruit, give me something else”
“Steve, please eat your fruit”
“NO”
The tone I noticed had changed.
“Mammaaa PLEASE”
“There is nothing else Steve. Please have your fruit.” I was beginning to get irritated.
“PLEASE Mama” and he suddenly started to cry.
Fearing that a tantrum was about to start, I went upto him and said in a soft voice “Okay, let me see if I have a biscuit”
“NO biscuit” cried Steve, throwing a piece of block at me
“Okay you want juice?” I asked
“NO JUICE” he shouted
I was starting to feel the stress now.
“WANT CAKE” he declared.
I quickly went back to the kitchen to grab a piece.
“NO CAKE. I WANT MILK”
I got the feeling that this is not going to stop and that officially the tantrum had begun.
Honestly, I don’t mind my toddler having a tantrum or losing his emotional balance some days, but what really affects me is the feeling of helplessness in a situation, like the above.
It’s easier to give in, to a valid request made by your child, but what do you do when your child doesn’t know what to request and doesn’t allow you to help him decide?
So I did some research and carried out my own experiments at home(which I’m sure every parent does). This post is about a few solutions on how to confront a toddler tantrum when it happens, that I have found helpful.
Before that, however, I would advise you to read my post What parents must know about toddler tantrums. It tells you more about why our little ones get into a tantrum and how we as parents, can prepare ourselves for what it brings with it.
I also believe that prevention is the best way to tackle toddler tantrums for which I wrote a few tips in the post Is it possible to avoid toddler tantrums?
The following strategies are more real time tactics and work at different times for different purposes, depending upon your child’s nature. As parents we just have to keep trying (and praying) and see what works most effectively!
PAY ATTENTION
The first thing you can do to avoid escalating a tantrum, is to acknowledge your toddler’s emotions.
For example in the above case, it may have been better, if I had paid more attention to my son’s emotions in the beginning itself. He was back from play-school; probably tired and definitely hungry.
I could have said “NO fruit? You must be SO tired and hungry. Amma will quickly cook your lunch okay? Can you try eating the apple now?” He may still not have the fruit but his emotions would have been addressed right there.
The minute your toddler understands you’ve got his message, he will listen to what you want him to do. So simply repeat what he expresses in words, along with acknowledging the emotion he’s going through.
STAY CALM
Easier said than done but think about this- you are teaching your child how to behave, when stress creeps in. The way you behave with him during difficult times, is what he is going to copy and implement in the future.
If you’re able to master this, then you’ve prepared him for the bigger anxieties in life. The tantrums will also gradually come down when he learns how to tackle them, by himself.
So set a good example!
HUGS
We all know the benefits of hugging and how it instantly switches us into a happier state. Studies suggest, that an average adult needs 4 hugs in a day, to survive!! Just think about how much your child must need for his development.
Sometimes in your busy routine, when you’re too involved in your work, your toddler may feel ignored or left out. Being so small he wouldn’t even know how to express this directly to you, so he throws a tantrum, when all he really wants is a hug or a grasp of his hand.
So when your child begins to cry, try bending down to his level and offering a hug.
COPY HIS EMOTIONS
When I read about this on the internet, it occurred to me that I had tried this method with the smaller kids in my family, years ago.
It’s so natural to spontaneously copy a young one’s emotion, as an aunt or a relative but as a parent, you hardly have the energy or the frame of mind to do it with your own kids.
For example in the above case when Steve cried out “NO” the first time, I could have responded the same way “OKAY!! NO FRUIT” while acting to sob just the way he did, in the most empathetic way.
I have noticed that this has worked for me in many instances and Steve would forget his tantrum and reach out to hug immediately. It probably displays empathy and that’s why it works.
CHANGE THE WAY YOU REFUSE A DEMAND
Setting the boundaries with your child consistently, is important. Don’t try reasoning with him though (not atleast till 3 years).
Stick to a stern “no” in the usual days but during a tantrum, no may not work. Giving into a demand during a tantrum is also risky. You will then be encouraging your child to start off a willful tantrum, whenever he wants something.
For these reasons, try other ways of refusing his demands.
In the example above, when my son made his first demand, I could have said “No fruit? Are you sure? What if I give you something to go along with it?”
or if it’s a public place
“Juice? Okay! Do you want to keep a big bottle in our trolley for now? Then we can all have it together at home.”
or give an alternative
“You have two options Steve: Fruit or yummy chicken (the lunch I was preparing). What would you like?”
When I use these responses, I have noticed that he usually forgets his demand and shifts his focus to the exciting element I introduced in the situation (“something”, the task of putting the bottle in the trolley and deciding between the two options).
Even if he does remember his demand it’s fine. The emotion is addressed and so you can either persuade him to choose your solution or respond to the demand in the way you usually do.
DIVERT HIS ATTENTION
This works really well with the smaller toddlers, I believe. If your child is on the verge of a tantrum, divert his attention to something that would arouse his curiosity, with an added exaggeration in your tone (WOW!! What is THAT?!!). For Steve words like dinosaurs, gorillas, lions have worked quite effectively.
Another alternative for diverting your child’s attention would be to involve him in what you’re doing (at your own risk though).
Get him to wipe while you’re setting the table or ask him to help you choose the vegetables when you go grocery shopping.
BE CREATIVE AND FUNNY
As a parent you would have probably tried talking to your toddler in voices that he finds hilarious! Try doing that, when you believe a tantrum is round the corner. Or use any object in the vicinity to create a puppet game. He will truly appreciate it.
For example, at a restaurant, take two spoons and act like they are two dinosaurs fighting each other or a pair of their favourite cartoon characters conversing with each other.
Other examples of silly behaviour that can turn an emotional stress into something hillarious could be acting like you got hurt or tripping on an invisible object, falling down on purpose etc
All of the above can help diffuse a stressful situation with your toddler.
LEAVE THE SPOT
If you’re at a public place and your toddler seems to be aggressively heading towards a temper tantrum, take him away from the location, before he or anyone gets hurt.
A less noisy and crowded spot might help him feel better in that case.
HELP HIM LEARN RESPONSIBILITY
It’s natural to feel defeated after a tantrum, because the whole purpose of teaching your toddler good manners or choosing the right things, fails when you have to give in to their demands or let go of your plans for the time. So what can you do?
Once your child is calm, one way to restore the balance is to help him clean what he messed up.
For example in my situation above, I helped Steve to pick up the blocks he threw away, once he came back to his happy self. This way he learned to take responsibility for his wrong behaviour and I was at peace knowing (and hoping) that he learned his lesson.
JUST BE PRESENT
So how did I eventually tackle my little challenge in the above instance?
Like I mentioned, I had failed to catch the triggers early on and I was dreading the time ahead. Trying to stay calm, I mentally prepared myself for some difficult behavior.
Steve was bawling now. He refused to be picked up or touched and threw some more blocks towards me. Absolutely overwhelmed, he lied down on the floor and wailed away.
Not knowing what to do, I sat just a little away from him and waited. He continued for a few more minutes and then reached out. I immediately grabbed him and hugged, till he declared that he wanted me, to feed him the fruit.
Sometimes that’s what toddlers need I believe, somebody to be just there with them, till their emotions have been vented out.
Have you tried any of the above methods? Which ones in your case were more successful? I’d love to know!
Found this post useful? You might like reading these as well:
What parents must know about toddler tantrums (Part 1)
Is it possible to avoid toddler tantrums? (Part 2)
5 qualities to master from the life of a toddler
3 times my toddler completely terrified us
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Hi! My name is Rubitah. I’m a Content Writer certified Life Coach, Counselor, Social Work professional and the Founder of Being Rubitah. Over the years through my professional and personal life, I have realized that prayers and love can do wonders to family life once you come to terms with yourself and surrender to God. Do you relate to me? Then you may like what I post here! Read more about me
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