32 people join me in discussing why we lose friends after marriage and what we can do to maintain these friendships.
The one thing that never crosses your mind when you’re getting married is the possibility of losing your close friends.
Because you never wish to be apart from them.
You always think they will be a phone call away. Waiting to receive you, pamper you with their love, strip your insecurities from time to time and bring you to your senses.
But the truth is far from real.
Unless your close friend is at near proximity wrt physical space, there is very little chance of having the same attachment you once had. This possibility too, stays alive till a few years after marriage; but once you have children, that too fades away!
This is especially true for women because when we make friends we also share our vulnerable selves, ask help and appreciate support. Vulnerability is the number one factor that gives our relationships its depth.
So in general,
What makes a good quality friend?
As I thought about it, I gathered a good friend is essentially someone who will be there for you when you need them. A good friend stays with you in your good times and bad times, when you are doing well and when you are in trouble.
A good friend is also honest and will point out your mistakes even if you don’t like it. They will challenge you and help you work towards your best potential self.
A good friend is trustworthy. Someone who keeps his promises and doesn’t betray you if given a chance.
There is also vulnerability in a good friendship and it has to be both ways i.e having the comfort of asking help when you need it and giving help when it is requested back.
An Instagram exercise
Out of curiosity, I asked this question on my Instagram Stories- “Has the quality of your friendship with old friends faded post marriage?”
Amongst the 32 who responded, I was happy to know that there were a significant 13 who vouched on the quality of their friendships with their old friends. Less than 50% of the small sample but nevertheless a significant number.
I knew most of these people, so I tried to understand what according to them makes us lose our close friends and what the significant 13 were doing to maintain their beautiful friendships.
This is what I found.
Why do we lose friends after marriage
1. Physical proximity
Having old friends living in the same country if not the same city, makes a huge difference. Because if you are in different countries and especially in different time-zones, it is very hard to keep up with each other’s lives in the exact same way as before.
“Not since marriage, but since I’ve moved countries, it’s not been easy to keep in regular contact. I get to meet them only when I travel to India.” says Natasha D Costa
2. Time and energy
As we grow older, we have more and more commitments eating away our time, in ways that we often do not enjoy. Work, motherhood, joint family systems, social life all become important aspects of life. Naturally, we lack the energy or don’t get a lot of time for our closest friends.
“Yes especially after motherhood, there never seems to be time for anything.” says Rini Rajan
3. Stage of life
You first experience separation in friendship, in your twenties. Geographically, career-wise and sometimes even life-stage wise, your friendship can slowly make you begin to feel like you don’t have anything in common anymore.
“We’ve just become closer in fact since we are experiencing the new phases of life together.”- says Shruthi Koreth
4. Friendship Burnout
Sometimes even when you have the best intentions to keep your friendships strong, your old friends may fail to empathise with your state of mind or rather you may not have the time or energy to see through their conversations anymore.
This kind of friendship leads to a burnout where you don’t really connect with your friends but end up talking anyway because hey “you are my best friend. How could I even think of deserting you?”
“…..when you start talking you don’t know where to start. It ends up being super formal. And there’s no friendship where there is formality.” says Anita Menon
How to not lose friends after marriage
When I chatted with some of these people on how they were still keeping their friendship alive in the qualitative sense, I found a few interesting answers.
1. Be committed
When you were younger hanging out with your friends came naturally. But when you grow older it takes more than intention to keep the friendship alive.
“Real friends understand and we have planned meetings. It’s an effort from both ends.” says Rukmini Divakar
“We are in touch all the time through WhatsApp messages but the weekly calls are a must and is adhered to almost always because some face to face contact is important to keep friendships that are so old and alive.”- Bindiya Joseph
“It doesn’t matter if your friend doesn’t call you regularly. Life is too short. So I make myself reachable by dropping a message even if it’s after months or even years. In fact I reach out to all my close friends, even if they like it or not. They may call me selfish but it doesn’t matter. When I need help I reach out and I wish they reach out to me too when they’re looking for support.” says Jincy Kuriakose
2. Create new experiences
Another way of maintaining old friendship ties is by creating new experiences for each other. Whether it is watching a Netflix series together while being on a video call or checking out a toddler library together, new experiences strengthen the bond and brush away any kind of inhibitions.
” Before the pandemic, when we were in India, we used to take yearly trips together.” – Anwesha Tewary
3. Communicate often and with all honesty
Assumptions are the major cause of disconnect in any relationship.
“She must be busy with her 2 children. I can’t trouble her with my personal issues.”
“She probably has other friends in her life, that is why she doesn’t call.”
“He’s just gone through a tragic incident. My calling him will upset him even more.”
I am guilty of making such assumptions too. And in my conversation on Instagram I realized that it is worse to hide your thoughts from your friends, to not be the person you are in the relationship.
“You should be true to yourself. What do you want?” says Jincy.
“….even if I am ahead in life and my priorities have changed, I make sure that I ask about how their lives are going too.” says Priya
“I do feel left behind…..but it’s always interesting to know what they are up to in their new stage of life and how they (as I know them) are dealing with the new change.” says Shilpa.
4. Refresh and recall
An easy way to check in with your friends is by remembering their birthdays, anniversaries and other eventful days of your old bond. Like the day you first went to the movies together, or explored a new place etc
“Whenever we meet, we always bring old memories and funny incidents into our conversations not only to share a laugh but to remember what our bond was for us, once upon a time.” says Rohan
So the short answer to do you lose friends after marriage is- not if you want to.
All of us deserve the gift of genuine and ardent friendships. But this gift comes from what we sow into our close friendships. It requires us to be a bit more mindful, a little courageous and faithfulness to keep it going. And sometimes, all it takes is to be the first one to reach out.
Have you wished your friend today?
Happy Friendship Day you all and thanks to all the lovely 32 people from Insta who shared their valuable opinions with me! 🙂
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