The quality of your life often depends on the quality of your relationships. (Quote by Esther Perel) If you don’t feel connected with the people you mingle with, you may be ruining your chances of creating authentic connections and thus the possibility of living a fulfilled life. Here are some tips to stay committed and create that space for authenticity in any relationship.
Have you heard about the Emperor Penguins?
Every year in the month of May, the female Emperor Penguin delivers an egg and shifts it to her husband for keeping it warm. Famished from a month of nesting, she then waddles her way towards the ocean, in search of food.
This journey of about 70 miles, usually lasts for 2 months and is extremely harsh. As she treks across the frozen country, she experiences severe hunger and endures bone-chilling winds squalling up to 200 km/hr.
In the two months, she is away, her husband (the father) patiently waits at home, covering the egg with his body, while also ignoring his relentless hunger. He huddles together with the other fathers, and keeps his egg safe from predators and the freezing sub-zero temperatures (about minus 75 degrees Celsius)!
By the end of July, the egg hatches and the mother returns with the baby’s first meal. Now the father leaves for nourishment. After feeding himself he brings more food for the family.
The mother and father take turns in babysitting and food-fetching until their little one is capable enough to survive on his own.
Amazing isn’t it? How nature gives us examples of commitment and perseverance. Are these birds instructed by anyone to care for their relationships? No.
So it is safe to reckon that as God’s creations we all have the natural capacity to stay committed in any relationship, right?
But as humans, we are also products of our unique circumstances. Circumstances that subconsciously teach us how to love, how to cope and how to survive in life. And sometimes these circumstances lead us into certain beliefs that restrict our growth.
Beliefs like
- I’m not lovable
- I can never be successful at anything
- I can never say no to others
- If I was well- behaved my mother would have never fallen sick
- If I am not aggressive they will take advantage of me
- I must have an easy happy life, else it is not worth the effort.
- People cannot hurt my feelings. If they do they can never be my friends.
The stories that we tell ourselves directly influence the quality of our relationships. Whether it is with our partners, or with our spouses, or our parents or friends or colleagues, we will never be able to enjoy our relationships unless we learn to understand our own selves.
And this brings us directly to the first step of staying committed in any relationship.
Understand and embrace your “self”
Set off on the journey of understanding the person you truly are. What values do you hold on to? What triggers you to act negatively with your loved ones? What unhelpful beliefs are causing you to be anxious?
Here is a free workbook that helps in identifying your core values.
Once we become grounded in the truth of who we actually are, we are empowered to simply be ourselves. We are confident about what we stand for and take responsibility for our own well-being and the quality of our relationships.
Adopt a growth mindset
The reason why we fear and sometimes hate commitment is because our mind gets fixed and rather stubborn on the fact that we are a sum total of only our natural abilities.
We don’t like the intrusion of criticism and uncertainty in our established temperaments and standard goals. We like to believe that we cannot “change ourselves” to create happy and fulfilled relationships.
And so in our relationships, when we don’t get what we expect, we end up dwelling in the outcomes of our challenges (I’m hurt, he is insensitive, she is too demanding). rather than focusing on how we can use these events to learn something different.
Yes, we are good enough for any relationship, but not because somebody says so. We are good enough because we are aware of who we are at the core (refer to point 1). And when we are confident at the core, we are also secure enough to learn new skills of growing in our relationships.
Give it your all
Faiza has been wondering what to do about her friend Roma. After getting married and then having children she was trying her best to keep in touch with her best friend, but all in vain.
Roma never returned her calls. She always seemed busy and even forgot replying to her messages. Faiza had started feeling dejected. After all, she was a busy mother too.
“I feel like I’m giving my best to this friendship but Roma doesn’t care,” she told her husband one day.
“How is it when you both actually talk? Does she seem different?”
“No when we talk, it’s always amazing. She’s always excited to hear from me. But I hate it that it’s always me who has to initiate the conversations.” Faiza replied
“So what are you planning to do now?”
” I think it’s time she knows that I can be busy too. I am not going to call her now. I don’t want to be in a relationship where I do all the work.”
“But have you tried telling her about what you feel?”
“That will make me look desperate. No thank you.”
“Is that wrong? Being honest with an old best friend?”
“No. But she should understand, right? Alright, I will tell her. Although I don’t think it will matter”
And in the next conversation, Faiza shared her thoughts. Roma was embarrassed that she had acted so indifferently and promised her best friend that she will be more intentional going forward.
Many of us will relate to this story. We all feel disadvantaged in a relationship that seems to depend on our efforts alone. But if you want to stay committed and improve your relationship, you have to stop holding back from giving your 100%.
You need to take the focus off from what the other person is doing or not doing to be committed and use this as an opportunity to face your own limitations. Give the relationship its best possible chance of survival!
That’s how you give your all to a relationship. By doing what you should do mindfully and consistently, keeping all distractions aside, even whether you want to or not- just like the Emperor penguins.
Spend quality time
When you think about your dear ones, what do you remember most? The good times and the bad times right?
You remember the funny incidences, the embarrassing moments, the times you both fell into trouble, the lessons you probably learnt together, the external challenges that made your relationship stronger.
My husband and I still joke about our first “arranged- marriage” meeting. After talking to him for over 4 months, I was so comfortable with him that while all the elders were having tea and snacks at the dining table, I was animatedly pointing my finger at the cake that I had baked for him.
Yes, these are the kind of things you remember and cherish!
So create more of them, spend more time with your dear ones, invest in experiences that you both enjoy, try something new together.
You will see that these shared experiences will slowly create great confidence in your relationships and help you stay committed.
Respect the personal boundaries
As much as it is important to create shared positive experiences with your loved ones, it is equally important to have and respect your own personal boundaries and that of others. When we blindly involve ourselves in the relationships we treasure, we unknowingly become more like the persons we interact with.
Keeping in touch with who we are is therefore critical for our mental health and for a healthy relationship.
As we meet more people, we may feel influenced to change our perspectives and principles. This is fine, but these changes should stay aligned to who we are at the core. And for that to happen, we must remember to practice these boundaries, on a daily basis.
How to practice healthy personal boundaries?
- Name them. Keep in your mind, your triggers, what is acceptable and not acceptable by your standards. Physically and emotionally.
- Be assertive about your boundaries with your loved ones. Do not feel guilty and do not give in
- Keep a journal and record your daily experiences or at least the significant events. Question what happened. Question your feelings.
- Have a support group that respects your boundaries.
- Spend some time daily for prayer or meditation or reflection
Don’t compare
“They have so much fun together with their parents. We hardly get to meet.”
“I wish my husband was like this guy. He seems so affectionate!”
“His boss goes out of his way to protect him. My boss hates me”
Do you think this way when you see your friends and other families? Don’t worry, it is natural to compare. Healthy comparisons actually help in understanding our own relationships and inspire us to boost our own commitment levels.
But do remember, that if you start interpreting what you see, more negatively than positively, you are definitely cooking up trouble for your relationships.
The truth is that there will always be other relationships who have it better or worse than you. So when you interpret these comparisons, more negatively it will not just leave a feeling of bitterness in your heart but you will also start setting unrealistic expectations from your relationships. And that is totally unfair.
Every person brings to a relationship, his unique set of experiences and beliefs, and if you don’t accept that, you will only make yourself and the other person miserable!
How to stop comparing negatively?
- Ask yourself this question: Do I feel loved and cherished in my relationships most days?
- Remind yourself about the things you love about your relationships.
- Take responsibility for your own actions. Have you given your 100% to your relationships?
- Focus on how each of your relationships have grown over the years and how it still holds a chance of blooming into something beautiful
There’s a lot that goes into staying committed in a relationship. Yet it’s not as hard as you think it might be. All it requires is a little of your intent!
Found this post useful? You might like reading these as well:
How to pursue a fulfilling life on a day to day basis
What should you look for in a life partner
How does marriage change a man’s life
Why knowing your true self today can help your marriage tomorrow
How is Christian love different
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Hi! My name is Rubitah. I’m a Content Writer certified Life Coach, Counselor, Social Work professional and the Founder of Being Rubitah. Over the years through my professional and personal life, I have realized that prayers and love can do wonders to family life once you come to terms with yourself and surrender to God. Do you relate to me? Then you may like what I post here! Read more about me
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