Are you constantly feeling angry by various circumstances or people? Although anger is a normal emotion, experiencing it on a recurring basis or resorting to violent methods can indicate some deep issues. This post is the second part of the dealing with anger series. For the first part please click here.
Most of us would agree that much of our anger is wrong and should be avoided. But if we are aware of the consequences of our anger, why do we still hang on to it?
That is because we consciously or subconsciously believe that-
It protects us from additional pain
In a world that inflicts some form of pain, every single day, it is hard to survive. That’s why it is so much easier to show our anger, than show that we are disappointed or hurt, emotions that are usually ignored or frowned upon by others.
It is easier for me to be angry at my husband than to face the ache of dealing with his insensitivity. It is easier to lash out at my colleague than to tell her how much she disappointed me.
So by being angry we basically protect ourselves from experiencing the hurt that may have been caused, otherwise.
It deflects responsibility away
“I just asked you something. Why are you always on the phone?” said the husband to a wife one day.
“You dare not ask me that! I am atleast doing something important. What do you do? Whenever I want to talk, you will be glued to one of those web series.”
Anger often shows up when we are caught red-handed in a wrong, isn’t it? Instead of accepting responsibility and acknowledging our mistakes, we get angry.
We use it as a weapon against those who try to correct us and even try to turn the tables on them so we could escape the consequences.
It keeps people at a distance so that they don’t get the authority to hurt us
We also use anger when we are scared of being judged of our weaknesses. Like porcupines, we use our thorns of viciousness and intimidation to keep others at a distance, so they don’t get close enough to notice our fears or insecurities.
All the above functions of anger may seem like they are working for us but that is far from the truth.
Why do we actually get angry
Generally we see the cause of our anger as being outside of ourselves. We blame the person or the problem or the circumstance or life as a whole and rarely see ourselves as being directly responsible for our anger.
The real source of our anger, however, comes from within ourselves and is triggered when we feel threatened or disrespected or frustrated or invalidated in some way.
What then are the root causes of our anger?
Unmet needs
As humans we have basic needs like food, rest, love, respect and a purpose for life. These are the basic desires of the body and heart and they are always crying out for satisfaction.
So when we are not fulfilled in any of these aspects, we feel hurt and frustrated, leading to passive or aggressive anger.
Fear
When we experience fear, we feel as though we have lost control over a particular situation or a person.
More often than not this loss of control, creates anxiety and uncertainty, which makes us take matters into our own hands and sometimes, use anger as a medium to regain control.
Social learning
How we learn to cope with anger is often influenced by our environment.
If encouraged to vent out my anger in aggressive ways, I would consider that as the right thing to do.
On the other hand if I were always put to shame whenever I expressed anger, I would come to believe that anger is unhealthy in itself and would always try to avoid problems rather than confronting them.
The people we choose as our role models also influence our response to situations. For example if we have witnessed violence at home between our parents (whom we usually consider as role models), we may learn to adopt the same strategies of coping with anger.
Group mentality
In anger, sometimes, we look to others for support because we fear that we don’t have what it takes to make it on our own. We need others to give more weight to our views.
When forming groups, however, we lose our individuality and the identity of the group becomes more important.
This at times, leads to using violence or aggression, as a medium to get what we want. These are acts that we would normally not have done alone.
There are other factors like alcohol or drug abuse, hormonal imbalance and brain malfunctions that also lead to the destructive kind of anger.
Anger is normal but when we fail to deal with it wisely, we end up destroying others or ourselves and usually both.
Click here to read on some constructive ways of managing and dealing with anger
Disclaimer
This article is only written to assist the reader. It is not intended to nor should it be construed as professional counseling
Found this post helpful? You might like these as well:
How to identify unhealthy anger
Is it possible to love your enemies
For the love of a lost virtue called patience
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Hi! My name is Rubitah. I’m a Content Writer certified Life Coach, Counselor, Social Work professional and the Founder of Being Rubitah. Over the years through my professional and personal life, I have realized that prayers and love can do wonders to family life once you come to terms with yourself and surrender to God. Do you relate to me? Then you may like what I post here! Read more about me
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