Listening is so basic in love that we often take it for granted. Yet we all resent over events when we weren’t taken seriously by our loved ones or were criticized for not paying attention. Why is listening so important in love? How can we become better listeners? Read on to find out.
Nothing is more hurtful than the feeling of not being listened to or being validated by our dearest ones.
“He is always talking about his problems. Not even once will he ask how my day went by.”
“She is never happy with what I provide for her.”
“I didn’t even know he was going through these problems. Why doesn’t he talk to me about his issues?”
“I hate how she talks to me. The words she uses makes me feel like hitting her.”
In our most important relationships, men are notorious for taking their loved ones for granted and women are notorious for being too critical or pushy.
So what goes wrong? Why aren’t we able to create a space of openness and love with our most important people? What is the missing element in all our interactions?
You guessed it right- it is the lack of probably the most important factor of love- listening.
So what is listening? Is it the skill of hearing what the other person has to say and then put our point across? Far from it.
Listening is an act of love.
It is an extension of ourselves, an effort that is directed towards another person’s spiritual growth.
When we love someone, we give him our attention. We put all of our things aside and consciously work for that person’s growth. But most people do not realize this or are not willing to work hard to listen well.
Why bother? you may ask. Why make the effort to focus on something that is absolutely boring in our perspective? The story below may help you understand this.
Shilpa accidently booked the tickets for their upcoming family trip on the wrong date. It was a loss of more than 50K Rs and she was terrified to share it with her husband, Ritesh, who usually took her to task for even small amounts. So she hid the matter from him and borrowed money from her friends to book the tickets again, worried how she would ever be able to pay them back. Ritesh sensed that something was wrong but he ignored it assuming that it was probably another girl thing, that he was not interested to hear about.
An opportunity to love simply got done and dusted with.
Had Ritesh listened to the silence, the distance that his wife was keeping and addressed the matter, it could have helped him know a little more about his wife and what she assumed about him. Had he forgiven her without a question or creating a big issue, his wife would have begun to respect him even more. In fact, this incident could have become their relationship’s greatest milestone.
Thus, if listening can strengthen relationships by making the other person feel valuable it also makes the listener grow in his own spiritual journey. It makes him valuable too.
But how can one become a better listener?
There are only two ways to this
Putting aside whatever you have that could distract you
This means giving up your biases, beliefs, needs and references for a temporary period to get absolutely involved in the conversation and experience the world as the person puts it across. In short, accepting him for who he is and what he has to say.
When you do this, the other person feels less vulnerable to share his thoughts and opens up without feeling judged. It also restrains you from over-identifying with the context or redirecting it to suit your convenience.
Paying attention to what is being said and not said.
Listening with interest, sometimes keeping silent, reading between the statements, being patient in their emotional moments, taking cues from the person’s body language, his expressions and observing his behaviour are some ways that can help you pay attention.
“Romantic” love may seem more attractive and fascinating in all its newness and fun but true love is not the feeling that keeps you overwhelmed. It is a discipline that requires great effort in consistently showing up for your person. Consistently letting them know you care.
Consistently working on becoming a better listener.
Is there a good listener in your life? What do you think makes him a good listener? Let us know in the comments below.
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Hi! My name is Rubitah. I’m a Content Writer certified Life Coach, Counselor, Social Work professional and the Founder of Being Rubitah. Over the years through my professional and personal life, I have realized that prayers and love can do wonders to family life once you come to terms with yourself and surrender to God. Do you relate to me? Then you may like what I post here! Read more about me
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