Is marriage primarily about being happy as the world portrays it? Or is marriage a road to holiness? Read on to know how marriage is less about personal happiness and more about seeking holiness!
Many years ago I read these quotes on marriage in a book:
“Marriage was instituted to make us chaste and to make us parents. Of these two the reason for chastity takes precedence.”
St. John Chrysostom
“Marriage is the key that opens the door to discover chastity and perfect love.”
St. John Nazianzen
These quotes surprised and confused me. I wondered about the connection between marriage and chastity. I delved into the writings of Church Fathers and other knowledgeable people and came across statements like:
“Marriage is a Christian vocation, a call from God…”
“Marriage is a sacrament as important and as able to save you as monasticism. Marriage like monasticism is seen as a path to holiness. Both are esteemed paths to salvation. Each state is a gift from God.”
The statements made me really curious. From childhood I had been led to believe that people married because it was the norm of the community, to live happily ever after, for love, for companionship, for security, for financial reasons, to start a family, for raising kids, to continue the lineage ….. and so on.
So many people around me had got married but no one had talked of marriage as a road to holiness. Even when I got married the scene before and after was dominated by other things.
Over the years, after much seeking, I have understood how a good and successful marriage can lead to holiness. God, the author and creator of marriage intended it to be that way.
God is not anti happiness but true and lasting happiness is a by-product of holiness. Holiness is defined as an undefiled state, set apart.
To understand things better we have to look at God’s model for marriage described in Ephesians 5:22-33
The model Christian marriage
The model Christian marriage is based on the relationship of Christ with the church which is His bride. His love is unconditional, unending, self-sacrificing, holy, unique, divine, enduring, dedicated, compassionate, forgiving.
Christ is the head of the church and the body of the church is comprised of all believers. As head of the church He gave Himself to death for the body of believers. Similarly a husband should be head of his wife and love her as his own body. Also be willing to sacrifice for her.
Just as the church is subject to Christ a wife should be subject to her husband. Her submission is primarily a service to the Lord.
The Lord Jesus nourishes and cherishes the church. So also husbands should love and cherish their wives. A marriage must be nourished or it will wither.
Christ never forsakes or leaves the church. Either spouse should not forsake the other, whatever the reason. Marriage should be forever. It should not be reduced to a mere exchange of rings or a legal contract.
A husband is called to lead his wife just as Christ leads the church. This is an unpopular statement in this day and culture. However it is one the Christian must affirm. Male headship is clearly taught in scripture. Any doctrine that offends the modern sensibility cannot be denied.
Christ did not offer a harsh, domineering, proud, unjust headship to the church. He considered the church more precious than His life. Thus Christ Himself is the model of a godly husband. A leader should always be aware that he is a servant first and a leader second.
Marriage is a covenant (a sacred life -long interpersonal promise).
It is a joyous, loving commitment of a man and a woman to live their life together. The commitment is often sealed in a civil ceremony. For Christians it is sacred and the man and the woman come before God in a church and seek God’s blessings.
The Orthodox Christians believe that there are not two but three in a marriage. The man, the woman and Christ. It is through the sacrament of marriage that Christ enters the marriage. Since each partner is united with Christ, Christ acts mysteriously in the marriage uniting them together.
The model Christian marriage described above should reflect the qualities of Christ mentioned in Galatians 5:22, i.e., love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness gentleness, self-control (fruit of the Spirit).
Struggles in marriage- a road to holiness
It is not easy for the ordinary man to embrace these qualities. The standard demanded by God in marriage is not merely super human. It is divine. So man falls short of the divine ideal.
Discord in marriage is not uncommon especially when we serve our own desires. Soon you realize married life is not all bliss and sunshine. You cannot sustain the romance in marriage.
Your daily interactions with your spouse reveal his/her inadequacies as well as yours .Marriage forces you to confront your pride, selfishness, impatience.
You or your spouse may react negatively when you have to face annoying and unexpected situations. You realize your spouse is not the perfect person you thought he/she was. You might think your spouse and you are not compatible and that you have married the wrong person.
However, you cannot give up on your marriage because the Bible makes it clear that marriage as a covenant relationship is indissoluble. You have to keep the commitment because Mathew 19:6 says clearly, “What God has joined together let not man separate.”
As you strive to make your marriage successful you get discernment and awareness of your own sins and weaknesses – your pride, your inability to forgive, inability to serve etc. You get an image of yourself.
You realize marriage is daily work, it is hourly work, it is adaptation. You struggle to change yourself and marriage becomes the context in which Christ works your salvation.
Thus begins your journey to holiness.
In time, personal efforts combined with divine help makes it easier to face the challenges.
Many Orthodox Christians advise a 100% input into the marriage from each spouse, not a 50-50 sharing of input. This is like dying to self, killing your ego and living only for the other.
When the bride and groom are crowned at the marriage service it is actually a crown of martyrdom. It is like saying “Today begins your death to self, your ego and your pride.” (in the spiritual sense).
The Sacrament of marriage
Mere mutual love does not provide depth of unity of spirit and body that Sacrament of Marriage offers to a man and woman. The Sacrament brings the Holy Spirit into the relationship in a way that binds them together most perfectly.
Human love is confirmed in God by Christ in the Holy Spirit. In response to all the daily challenges and storms in a marriage we are invited to turn to God to seek perfection.
As we turn to Him we encounter His love and acquire His love for our spouse. His touch purifies, illumines, sanctifies and deifies the marriage through mystery.
Our love and commitment to Christ becomes our commitment to our spouse. Thus we are transformed. Thus begins our journey of discovery, our journey towards holiness.
Our spouse becomes a gift from God because he/she helps us see our sins and move towards holiness. Faults become opportunities to change ourselves and become better persons.
Today’s culture makes marriage seem outdated but God’s purpose of marriage is far beyond personal happiness. Its goal is holiness and unity with God.
The whole point of two people getting together is that we can learn to truly love at least one other human being in this world. Some call marriage a ‘divine conspiracy’ because God uses the marital union to transform our lives.
Have you acknowledged the divine presence in your marriage?
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