You’ve decided to get married with your chosen one. The wedding ceremonies have begun, but fear and apprehension seem to rule your mind. Is the concept of a life long relationship beginning to overwhelm you?
It is common to receive a hundred tips when your wedding is around the corner. Friends and family get in touch as soon as they come to know you are engaged and pour out all their love and concerns regarding marriage.
They warn you of the responsibilities but also share the joy that comes with the experience. Many even smirk at the thought of another human walking down the lane of martyrdom!
Why is marriage such a significant topic in life? A long lasting commitment with another person surely cannot be that difficult.
There are many other kinds of close relationships that you have such as with your parents, siblings, friends, roommates, colleagues, that are long-lasting, yet when it comes to marriage you are asked to prepare well.
You are constantly thrown into the thought process of whether you’ve taken the right decision.
Why is that?
That’s because marriage is one of “the” most important decisions you take in life. It is not an opportunity for pleasure and entertainment. Neither is it an obligation that you fulfil towards your family and society. Neither is it a goal that you need to tick off from a bucket list.
It is a very serious decision that should not be taken lightly.
So knowing that this topic is tricky and that there is no one way of approaching it, I conversed with 30 married people (chosen randomly) who are at different stages of their married life.
Here’s what I have compiled and here’s what I hope will help every bride, groom and married couple to understand this roller coaster of a journey called marriage.
A GOOD MARRIAGE ISN’T SOMETHING YOU FIND; IT’S SOMETHING YOU MAKE
Quote by Gary L Thomas
Love, romance, intimacy, are the first things that attract you about marriage. Knowing that you have a partner to share your true self, with no pretense, takes you to another level of happiness.
So much is the excitement in this phase, that you forsake your own family and friends and spend as much time with each other as possible!
This is natural and important, as it helps establish trust and respect in your relationship. But fasten yourself! This magic of love mostly driven by passion lasts for the first 2 years, post which the actual phase begins.
Marriage is like porn- what you watch on the screen is not real sex! Real sex is painful, anxiety-provoking and you certainly don’t look as appealing as the on-screen ones while at it! The same goes for a marriage. The onscreen Mills and Boon is nowhere close to a real marriage.
– Treeza
It’s really necessary to realize that married life is not what we see in romantic movies. In reality, it is more about commitment, understanding and respecting each other rather than complements, surprises and expectations. Love can be expressed in a million ways but not necessarily in the way, one expects from his or her partner.
– Jibey
Marriage is not just the honeymoon phase, the real action starts post that
– Reeja
COMBINE YOUR HEARTS INTO ONE
Quote by William Shakespeare
When marriage joins two people into one unit, it literally means one. One room, one bed, one bathroom, one budget, one plan, one future! The earlier you realize this, the better.
When you were single you could have your independent ways and decisions in life, but now that you’re married you may have to keep aside your individuality.
This doesn’t mean that you should stop pursuing what you like. Rather, it means that in marriage, you think beyond your self and learn to share (burdens and joys), empathize and serve.
It is okay to lose your individuality in a marriage. A lot of times we think our need for individuality is supreme but it may not be so. You are responsible for your own happiness.
– Sweety
It’s important to understand that marriage is an equitable relationship. Both partners should equally share responsibility, be it towards each other or family. Neither of them is superior or inferior. It is about each partner taking decisions and sharing the accountability too. That sets the foundation for respect as well.
– Shibi
Marriage is about us and not me alone. – Robin
It’s important to understand that you and your partner are two different individuals, two different personalities and you work in a partnership to take life forward. You cannot be half and expect the other one to be your better half.
– Joice
KEEP THE TIES
Marriage in India is generally not just a union of two individuals but also of two families. So a good relationship with your in laws and your partner’s extended family is vital.
Make an effort to bond with them, be genuine in your concerns, set your boundaries and respect them for the value they bring into your life.
You don’t get married to an individual but to a family, so it’s important that you gel with the in-laws.
– Reeja
Apart from partners, it is also important to understand the in-laws and their likes and dislikes, as marriage is about two families becoming one.
– Sudeep B
After marriage, parents from both sides should leave the couple alone and allow them to make mistakes. Too much interference is not healthy for the growth of the couple in marriage. They should get involved only if there is an element of physical or emotional abuse.
– Indu J
A simple phone call even once in a blue moon to your family members works wonders. Unfortunately, we live in a technologically-challenged time. Not because we don’t have modes of communication but because we have too many!
– Mevin J
WE DON’T LOVE TO BE LOVED; WE LOVE TO LOVE
Quote by Leo Buscaglia
Post the honeymoon phase is when things get real. Each day brings with it a new set of experiences. You begin to discover that your partner is very different from what you thought they were. In fact, experience says that you don’t even begin to know yourselves till you get married!
You resent the alien behaviour, harbour a few grudges and are annoyed at every “unfathomable” habit. Expectations don’t meet and disappointment creeps in.
You begin to wonder if this institution is going to spoil your peace of mind for life! Rest assured my friend. It is not as bad as it seems. Every couple goes through this phase.
Marriage is like a beautiful book. In each page, we will find lots of new experiences that will shape the story of the two people in marriage. They can never make all the choices. They just play the life that is written for them, knowing that they have each other. – Arun
Marriage is all about changes, for both man and woman, but mostly for the woman
– Ashley S
Marriage is a long term relationship which will have its ups and lots of downs. It is a school where you constantly learn new lessons and relearn some old ones. You will not pass all the lessons with flying colours, and so you should not expect your partner to do the same.
– Mary G
In marriage, expect the unexpected things. That’s why it is important to have a pre-marital counselling session, for both the bride and groom
– Deepa
For me it was clear- it’s God who picks your mate. So your husband is there in your life for a reason. Keep an open mind without compromising the principles you learned from your parents and church.
– Anna
Nobody can make you understand how to work your marriage out. People can only share their experience and you need to understand that what works for some might not work for you. You have to work your own recipe and keep on changing it with time and circumstances. There is no fixed recipe!-
Mevin J
According to me, expectations kill happiness. Don’t expect too much in marriage. Live in the moment with your partner.
– Ashley A
LOVE GOD TO LOVE YOUR PARTNER
Marriage is an institution that should not be just established by God but also powered by Him. When you face difficulties in marriage,because of your partner or because of the problems that you face together as a couple, you also face a big spiritual fight within yourself.
Don’t get discouraged. Lift up your eyes to the One who brought you together and let Him be your guide. Trust and rely on Him and embrace this time upfront for it is this suffering or pain or despair that will make you a better person and bring a new meaning to your life.
Keep God in front and center. Without Him there is nothing. Whatever you have or don’t is by God’s grace. Keep holding Him tight and so, even if marriage is never a cakewalk, it definitely won’t turn into a disaster!
– Mevin J
Marriage is whole and complete in Christ and His Grace. – Vidisha
Vertical relationship with Christ should be stronger than the new dynamics of marriage.
– Anina
A HAPPY MARRIAGE IS THE UNION OF TWO GOOD FORGIVERS
Quote by Ruth Bell Graham
To have your pride crushed by someone you love is hurting. However keeping that hurt in your heart is not going to help.
If you value yourself and your relationship with your partner, you will know that forgiveness is essential. If you don’t forgive, you will resent which will only keep you apart from your partner, blocking all the joy that is coming your way.
Forgiveness should never be looked upon as a weakness. On the contrary it reflects the strength of the person’s mind and heart.
So a little forgiveness every day is the best gift you can give to your partner.
It’s important to understand that marriage is a relationship that needs effort just like any other relation, maybe a little more.
– Anwesha
Marriage requires one to make a lot of adjustments/accommodations. Adjusting to each other’s habits, families, lifestyles etc.
– Ajay
Be the first to apologize whether you’re wronged or not. Serve joyfully. Lay down your self every single day so that Christ increases.
– Anina
Marriage is always called a beautiful stage but for me, it’s more of a killing machine. It kills your altar-ego, your awkwardness, your shyness, boldness; it brings you to ground zero. And that’s where it all begins, the build-up of a beautiful life. For me, I had to be vulnerable in front of her without any of the faces that I portray in my day to day world. You see, I was more of a “my life my rules” boy (kinda selfish) and that’s why it took me a while to come to terms with this reality.
– Juby A
Marriage is about trusting the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and making little adjustments in order to make the journey less complicated. If we learn to adjust and accept our partner, we will be happier.
– Amita
Always remember that you are different from your (would be) spouse. The families are different and so their upbringing and experience will be not like yours. So how much ever you felt that you were compatible while getting married to them, it is impossible to have a happy marriage without some compromises. My experience has taught me that it is the differences with your partner, that make the marriage a better and stronger unit. Learn to take it in. If you can’t change, then simply accept your partner with his differences. Over time you both will develop an understanding for each other.
– Mevin
Marriage is about sharing, caring and being respectful of the other despite the millions of arguments, fights, tears and pain that you inflict on each other.
– Treeza
In order for the marriage to be great, we need to look past the mistakes that our spouses make (in our eyes) and learn to see them, as how God sees them.
– Vidisha
CONQUER WITH LOVE
It takes time for a marriage to be successful or strong. It is a journey of love so expect a little struggle, a little fun, lot of bliss and a few heartaches. What is wonderful about it, is that it pushes the two people to be better human beings.
Marriage will challenge your pride, your thoughts, your intentions every single day. Yet if you surrender to these challenges with humility and with the right approach, you will slowly find yourself uniting with your partner in spirit– one in nature, one in thought and always complementing the other.
So don’t be afraid of the fights. No marriage is perfect and there is no relationship that could not be made better with a little effort.
Love is a choice and not a feeling. Love keeps no record of wrong. – Vidisha
Always communicate with your partner. Fighting and angry words are also talking by the way! When you don’t communicate with your partner, it means you are choosing not to share which can lead to problems in marriage. Miscommunication is another problem. Sometimes even when you communicate, the partner does not understand.
– Mevin
No spouse is perfect. Conflicts are inevitable. Communication is key. – Preethi I
It is about “give and take”- take time to understand your partner. Do not be in a hurry to share everything about your life. Take your time. It keeps the mystery and excitement alive.
– Reeja
It’s an institution that tests your patience and throws various barriers at you. The only good thing during these difficult times is that you are not by yourself. You will always have your partner in crime right beside you, despite the fights!
– Treeza
Talk to each other about everything. Small or big. Many problems can be solved just by talking to your partner.
– Indu
It is often said that an unmarried person passes through life and leaves it, but a married person lives and experiences life to the full. When we are single and independent we are too comfortable with ourselves but when we get married, we are pushed to open our hearts for change.
It does take someone special to make us understand who we really are and who we can be isn’t it?
Found this post useful? You might like reading these as well:
Marrying the arranged way- 3 Indian brides share their “search for the groom” experiences.
Why knowing your true self is good for your marriage today?
8 incredible tips to finding the right partner in marriage
Qualities to look for in a life partner and ways to identify them
How to overcome the fear of marriage
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Hello!!
I am Rubitah, a former social worker turned content writer and blogger. Over the years through my profession and personal life, I have realized that love and prayers can do wonders to family life, once you come to terms with your own self and surrender to God. Do you relate to me? Then I’m sure you would like what I post here. Read more
