Are you searching for your knight in shining armour? Did the “obvious” Miss Right disappoint you? Why is finding the right partner so difficult and confusing?
There are many of you who are searching for love and are trying your best to find “the one”. You maybe searching on your own or as in the case of many youngsters in India, your parents may have taken that responsibility for you.
You list out questions, gather friends or family, pick ideas from here and there and set out on a journey to settle for a partner who will fulfill all things human.
But what if I say that your direction is absolutely wrong?
Yes, the answer to finding the right partner is to BECOME one! Ask yourself- do YOU believe you have what it takes to BE the RIGHT partner?
What you expect from your partner, should apply to you too, right? So ask yourself- are you that caring or thoughtful or responsible or patient person that you want your partner to be? Or are you just looking for someone to help you overcome your insecurities?
Don’t look for a person to save you, rather look within your self. Try to understand what your authentic self stands for, discover your strengths and weaknesses and work on them, while putting your trust in God, to heal you in the process.
Still confused? Wondering why I put the title of my post as finding the right partner when I’m talking about becoming one?
Well dearies, that’s because it is when you start your efforts on BECOMING the right partner, that you will understand the difference between good qualities and avoidable qualities. This understanding will most likely help you to attract like-minded people- men or women who (like you) WANT to become good partners or who will atleast try to be one.
Remember that becoming the right partner doesn’t mean becoming the perfect partner. Nobody is perfect. Yet there are a few ways you can work on yourself, to be the husband or wife God called you to be.
BE AWARE OF YOURSELF
Apart from knowing what you like or dislike, how well do you really know yourself? Take some time and ponder on who you really are, as a person. What are your values? What are your triggers?
While some of you may have a clarity around this (which is great!) many of you may find it hard to figure out your real self. This is normal, because it is easy to get distracted by thoughts on how you “wish you were” or what you “ought to be”.
For example- In my mind I may think of myself as a bold and forthright person but in real I may be shy and hesitant.
When you are aware of the values that govern you or the triggers that provoke you, you are more confident of your behaviour and better equipped at making decisions.
This confidence helps you become consistent in the way you interact with others, which then helps in building trust in relationships (including marriage).
When you are aware of your true self, you also push yourself to work towards your maximum potential, in all areas of your life (and not just marriage).
You may have heard of the phrase “God helps those who help themselves.” So help yourself and check out this post on knowing yourself better !
EVALUATE MARRIAGE
If you think marriage is all about sparkles and roses, you’re in for a rude shock. Once the honeymoon period wears off, you will know that marriage has more to do with habits,bills and family.
So before you take the big step, try to understand what you really want from marriage.
- What does marriage mean to you?
- What are your expectations?
- Are you ready to settle down?
- Are you willing to think beyond your self?
Every marriage is a journey and has its own set of trials. There will be hardships and there will be love. Keeping an open mind and more importantly maintaining a willing spirit, to work on the challenges as a team, will then be the best way to navigate through life.
OVERCOME YOUR INSECURITIES
All of us are insecure in one or more areas. We are conscious of what people think about us all the time. Am I smart enough? Will I fail? Do my friends approve of me? Am I good enough? These are some questions that run through our mind subconsciously.
Thanks to social media, this insecurity grows even stronger, when we put ourselves out in that platform.
So, the pressure of constantly having to perform or being known or outshine others, makes us pretentious and envious of others. This sadly blocks us from being our true selves in the most natural way. For example- you’re hanging out with the “popular group” in college, that likes to insult others, when you are actually against bullying yourself.
Don’t do this to yourself!
Acknowledge the fact that God made you unique and you are called to be YOUR best self and not somebody else’s. Stop trying to be like every Tom, Dick and Harry!
You are the product of your own special upbringing and circumstances and so happiness for you will be unique and different as compared to others.
Accept yourself with your strengths and weaknesses and forgive yourself when you make mistakes. So what if your nose is a little bigger? Your smile is so warm. So what if you didn’t do well in college? You’re awesome at designing things (or something else maybe)!
Remember that you don’t need anyone’s approval of what you are as a person. God created you for a purpose and “that” you will know when the time is right.
WORK OUT YOUR FINANCES
Although this may seem as the least interesting step, it is wise to have an understanding of your money, before you get married.
While many of us in India, have our parents to take care of the expenses that come with marriage, it is never a bad idea to inculcate some good financial habits.
First try to understand how much you actually save. Maintain a simple excel sheet to track all your expenses, debts and get real about how much you spend in a month on an average. See if there are some habits that you can right away stop. (like spending Rs 5000 for a gym membership that you don’t even go to)
Next, find out ways to save. Create an emergency fund (a fund that sums up to about 3-6 months of your salary) right from the time you start working. Keeping aside this fund can help you, in the time of unannounced expenses. You can even invest in mutual funds, based on your financial goals.
Finally, be clear in your mind, on the kind of life you want in the future. What do you really want to do with your money, even if marriage comes along? Travel? Set up a business? Buy a house?
Whatever it is, work towards making these dreams possible- not necessarily by taking loans, but by investing with your income, in different financial products, in a way that is achievable for you, even after marriage.
LEARN A LITTLE HOME MANAGEMENT
This doesn’t need much effort before marriage, but do try and understand home management in your single days. If you’re already away from home, living on your own, then you’ve probably got a hang of it. But for boys and girls living with their parents, this can become quite a task post marriage.
Learn the basics of cooking, cleaning and how things are usually managed in and around the house. How is the bed made? How is the washing machine used? What products and tools are usually used? How do you keep the house sanitized? What are the quick fixes? How are bills paid? How’s grocery shopping done? What’s the usual monthly budget in your house?
All this information and skills go a long way when it comes to living with your future partner, specially if you’re away from home or don’t have help.
It doesn’t matter whether you’re a boy or girl. Just try and understand how your parents manage the house and when the time comes, you will be ready to take on all important tasks with ease.
I was lucky to have a husband who knew a bit of everything, even though I was a little clueless, in the beginning. So we are together able to run the household, even if one falls sick or is unable to manage.
VOLUNTEER
A lot about marriage is being selfless. It is about making a hundred sacrifices for your family and not expecting anything in return. However, if you’re used to living life on your own terms, this quality can be a difficult one to attain.
As we keep achieving different accolades in our 20s we tend to behave in a way (unknowingly), like life revolves around us and us alone. It’s a very delicate state to be at because when you get married, you suddenly realize that there are other things more important than yourself. That shatters your ego and if you fight with it, you may end up just sabotaging your marriage, with pure selfishness.
So look for opportunities to volunteer in your single days. Search for nearby NGOs or organizations, where you can spend time offering support or volunteer in church activities. This will not just help you to be selfless and giving, but will also open your eyes to the innumerable blessings you are already endowed with, as a person.
EXPLORE YOUR INTERESTS
While you’re waiting for the right partner, use the time to experiment with goals that interest you. Travel with your friends, learn a language, try a musical instrument, pursue a sport,change careers.
This is the time when you can dive deep, take risks and explore different areas to know what really makes you happy. Pursuing your interests doesn’t just open your mind but you also get the opportunity to know your hidden qualities and true nature.
GET INVOLVED IN YOUR FAITH
I still remember what one of my church fathers shared, in a prayer retreat I attended back in 2003. He said that we must pray for our future partner right from when we are young. I was 15 years old back then and this surprised me. But I absolutely vouch for that statement, now.
Pray with all your heart for your partner even if you’re not in the marriageable age. Pray that you’re able to find, whom God wants you to have. Pray for God’s guidance in all your decisions concerning marriage. Pray that you and your partner find the grace and strength to manage life together.
Yes, get used to praying because that is going to be your foundation for a happy married life. Study the Bible, involve yourself in church, give your tithe and keep looking for ways to grow in your faith.
The more grounded you will be in your relationship with God, the easier it will be for your marriage to grow in love and strength.
Enjoyed the content here? You might like to read these too-
How to overcome the fear of marriage
7 marriage tips for wedding couples
Why knowing your true self is necessary for marriage today
What should you look for in a life partner?
7 brutal truths about married life
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Hi! My name is Rubitah. I’m a Content Writer certified Life Coach, Counselor, Social Work professional and the Founder of Being Rubitah. Over the years through my professional and personal life, I have realized that prayers and love can do wonders to family life once you come to terms with yourself and surrender to God. Do you relate to me? Then you may like what I post here! Read more about me
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