So you’ve started your search for a life partner. A new journey is just around the corner. But are you really prepared for marriage? How aware are you of your own self? How well do you understand your state of well being? It is never too late in knowing your true self! So whether you’re married or not- do read this one.
One morning, a king went into his garden and found everything withered and dying. He asked the Pine tree that stood near the gate what the trouble was.
“What’s the point of living, Oh King? I cannot bear fruit like the Grapevine here.” the Pine tree declared.
The king turned to the Grapevine and found it wilting too. On inquiring the Grapevine replied “I’m so crippled, I barely can keep my fruits together.. Look how sturdy is the Peach tree and how fine are its fruits!”
The king further went on to find, that the Peach tree didn’t find itself as cheerful as the Sunflower and the Sunflower was fretting because it wasn’t fragrant like the Liliac. This went on all through the garden,till he reached a Viola.
To his pleasant surprise, he found its bright face lifted as cheerful as ever. “Well well, Viola, amidst all this discouragement, to find one brave little flower. You do not seem to be disheartened at all!”
“No,not all dear King, for I know that if you wanted an Oak or a Pine or a Sunflower you would have planted one. But as I knew you wanted a Viola, I am determined to be the best little Viola that I can.”
Now think- aren’t we all like one of those trees in the garden mentioned above? Ignorant to our own strengths and constantly trying to fit in? In the race to create an identity, we rarely appreciate the values we are made of and end up living in pretense.
So when it comes to marriage, you behave the same way. Without knowing your true self- what “you” want from life, you expect your partner to understand you and conform, to what you deem important (because in marriage, pretence is almost impossible).
So what can you get from knowing you true self, regardless of whether we’re married or not?
What are your Core Values?
Core values play a very important role in our lives. They are the small or big beliefs that you hold to your heart and are usually reflected in the choices you make, in life.
When you live in accordance with your core values, you find your lives to be smoother and your experiences much richer.
However, when you are ignorant of your values or have conflicting ones, is when you tend to move out of line and behave in a way that leaves you (and sometimes others) disappointed, restless, discontent and mostly unhappy.
Everyone has their own core values, based on their social conditioning and they can be very different. Some people value achievement, while others are easily content. Some people value order while others prefer freedom.
So, when two people in marriage, do not have a COMMON UNDERSTANDING of their core values, it can make their relationship complicated.
For eg if your top personal value is honesty, you will definitely be uncomfortable with a partner who manipulates his way around other people. Or if your partner’s value is perfection and your’s isn’t , you will get exhausted having to live up to his/her standards
Acknowledging your core values, therefore, gives you the freedom to make informed choices. It gives you more control and helps you understand others.
It is what makes you feel true to your soul. Remember, you cannot be completely aware of your selves, but at least you can try.
So how do you identify these core values? Here’s a free workbook.
What are your Interests?
Interests are basically activities that you enjoy doing. They are anything that retain your attention for a considerable period of time.
This is a common question in marriage and you usually end up saying, reading, watching movies, travelling, listening to music…etcetc
But is there more to your interests? Do you really follow these interests or is this what you end up doing after a busy routine?
Discovering your interests can bring an extra spark into your lives. It can provide you a clarity of what you really want to pursue in life and can even sometimes lead to successful careers. Having common interests with your partner enriches the relationship and helps in setting common goals.
Following are some questions to help you identify these interests:
- If I were financially independent, how would I use my time?
- What did I love doing as a child?
- Have people complimented me for any particular aspect of my personality or for anything that I did?
- Is there any activity which makes me lose track of time or I hate to get disturbed in?
- Which positive experiences in my life do I love recalling the most?
- What am I most curious about?
- During which activities am I most relaxed?
- Who inspires me?
- What are the activities I want to engage in, at least once in my lifetime?
- How would my friends and family describe me?
- Are there any areas of concern, which push me to do something?
- How do I see myself, 5 years from now?
What is your temperament? How do you cope with emotional triggers?
Our temperament is how you would naturally react to the world around us (people, places, situations). It is all the preferences that you carry, right from when you were a baby.
Your temperament can have both positive and negative traits and is a strong determinant to how you handle stress. It is basically of two types – introvert and extrovert. Here’s a test to find what temperament you carry in general.
When you acknowledge your temperament, you are better equipped to handle interpersonal relationships successfully. It helps you understand why you react in certain ways and makes you more accepting of yourselves and others.
In marriage, a bad temperament can lead to futile arguments and resentment, whereas a managed one, converts a stressful situation into intimacy or even good humour!
Your temperament also determines how you handle emotional triggers. Remember that feeling when someone made a mean sarcastic comment at you ( that may actually not be a huge deal), and it totally ruined your day?
Emotional triggers are just that. They are words, opinions, people, instances or environmental situations that provoke an intense emotional reaction within you.
They are more subconscious and mostly derive from childhood experiences.
For eg: If you have overcritical parents, you may be quite defensive, if somebody criticizes you even for a small thing. Or a song brings out the child in you because it holds a very special memory in your heart.
The usual reactions to emotional triggers (which we may have adopted since childhood) include love, joy, guilt, anger, sadness, or anxiety, and in some extreme cases, even addiction or self-destructive behaviour.
The good news? You can always unlearn negative responses and create healthy positive ones.
How to identify your triggers?
Make a note of every instance you get emotionally triggered for, acknowledge your current response and if negative, slowly try to generate a new response to it.
For eg: I am really stressed when I have to take responsibility for a big event (like a home party or a work event).
My emotional response if not managed is to panic, which leads to confusion, blank-outs, displaced anger and what not. The right response for me to deal with these situations then are
- Pray about it (because I believe in prayers)
- Mentally prepare myself for the event with its unpredictable nature (by acknowledging worst case scenarios and getting over the fear) and create plan B
- Boost my confidence by talking to people I trust (reminding myself of my capabilities).
I am not always successful, but because I’m aware of this trigger, I forgive myself when I make mistake. I also reward myself to something I like, when I’m able to overcome it.
You will always have emotional triggers around you and the point is not to even eliminate them.
Acknowledging and learning how to manage your responses to these triggers, however, will make you better companions in marriage.
What are your preferences?
There are many things that you take decisions on, post marriage, along with your partner. Although your preferences keep changing, it’s a good thing to keep some clarity of thought on how you want to live your life, post marriage.
Some questions you can ask yourself:
- How would I like to get married? (simple, moderate, lavish)
- What do I want to do post marriage? (Work, study, volunteer, set up a business, stay at home)
- Where do I want to eventually settle? (Current place, abroad)
- How do I prefer living? (with in laws/parents or separate apartment)
- What kind of lifestyle am I comfortable with? (simple,moderate, lavish)
- What are my finances? (loans, saving, investment)
- Who is my support system? (family members, friends, mentor, teacher)
- What are my thoughts on having children? (When? How? What after that?)
- Do I have specific food preferences or allergies?
Let me be frank here. This is NOT the one and only method of decision making, when it comes to marriage. We must also never be too rigid with our views.
I did not go through this list myself! I trusted my instincts and above all I trusted God to be my sole guide and control of the marriage I was entering in.
Having said that, I do wish, I knew myself better because when I am secure with myself, I am a better person. When I am a better person, I will work towards being a better daughter, a better wife, a better mother and so on.
Here’s another post where 3 Indian brides mention their approach to self-awareness before getting married.
Marriage is a relationship that needs constant work and so knowing your true self, makes the job easier.
Do everyone a favor- with a little prayer in your heart, try knowing your true self today.
Found this post useful? You might like to read these too:
8 incredible ways of finding the right partner
7 marriage tips for the wedding couple
What should you look for in a life partner?
When you have to wait to live with your partner
How does marriage change a man’s life
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Hi! My name is Rubitah. I’m a Content Writer certified Life Coach, Counselor, Social Work professional and the Founder of Being Rubitah. Over the years through my professional and personal life, I have realized that prayers and love can do wonders to family life once you come to terms with yourself and surrender to God. Do you relate to me? Then you may like what I post here! Read more about me
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